Mandajuice

Traditions

When we moved to Washington, we had to give up spending Christmas Eve at my parent's house. It was (and still is, even without us) everything a holiday gathering should be - a casual potluck dinner with my mom's decorating touch and my dad's big extended family. I'll be honest - Christmas Eve is the ONLY night of the year I ever wish we still lived in California. I miss my family and the convenience of knowing that we could spend Christmas eve with everyone else and still wake up in our own beds the next morning. That's the only reason we never travel at Christmas - a firm, long-standing tradition of Making Christmas Morning A Big Effing Deal.

Unfortunately, we had to give up a few more traditions this year (cards, parties, outdoor lights, gifts for anyone not named Alex and Genoa), but we're focusing on the traditions that we've managed to keep. The snowy footprints from Santa.
The cookies and milk.

The insanely-excited zombie people.And the HOUSE. Earlier this week the Fedex man brought us the Very Best Christmas Gift Ever: a forbearance letter from the bank saying we don't have to pay our mortgage again until April.

MERRY CHRISTMAS INDEED.

Saturday Night Live

I love this photo with the heat of a thousand suns. My daughter looks like a diva, my son looks like a menace  and my sister looks like a rock star.

Keeping Christmas safe from zombies

One airsoft gun at a time.

I want to start a band

Because it's not like I don't already have enough on my plate, what with a new business to launch, a book to sell, another book to finish, two kids to keep track of, a husband to feed and a house to try and keep.

So yeah, adding band practice to that list is OBVIOUS.

But this band I want to start? It NEEDS to be done.

This is my fantasy:

We're a trio: vocals, acoustic guitar and a stand-up bass. Maybe a tambourine if we're feeling classy.

And we're a cover band. All we sing is dirty old-school rap songs. We're 100% acoustic and 100% ironic, but good enough that you might not even notice.

Can't you see it, though? It's me and the band, up on a hoopty stage in some crusty bar. I'm wearing my mom jeans and some Maybelline and maybe the bassist has a Christmas sweater with sequins on it.

And we're singing "go on and shake your rump like a rump shaker." Or maybe, "rollin down the street, smokin indo, sippin on gin and juice." We don't dub out the dirty words, either. We sing 'em loud, in three-part harmony.

It might sound like a bad SNL skit, but it's also totally on my Life List.

PS - Go on and shake your tree like a tree shaker.

(Yes, that's totally how I got the idea.)

Best of aught nine: BOOKS

So this was the year I remembered how much I love to read. I spent the first half of the year writing exclusively, but once I bought my Kindle in June (or was it May?), it was all over.

I've read over 130 novels this year.

130+

That's not so much an accomplishment as it is an obsessive compulsive disorder that probably requires a prescription. Or three. But I can think of much worse obsessions to have than one with the written word.

So without further ado, the best, most memorable books I read in 2009 are:

The Spymaster's Lady by Joanna Bourne

I would review this myself, but The Smart Bitches did it SO MUCH BETTER and their review was the reason I read the book in the first place.

Lord of Scoundrels by Loretta Chase

This book was actually written in 1995, but I didn't happen upon it until this year and now I've read every. single. book. that Loretta Chase has ever written. She's one of my all-time favorite authors.

My favorite line in the book is this one:

"For the first time, Dain had an inkling of what it must feel like to be Bertie Trent [the protagonist's socially-retarded brother], owning the necessary human quantity of grey matter, but possessing no notion of how to make it function."

Every word Loretta Chase writes is magic, but this book is exceptional.

Flowers From the Storm by Laura Kinsale (whom you can follow on Twitter, if you so desire)

This novel immediately went down as one of my all-time favorites. If you're a romance genre skeptic, this is the book that will change your mind and make you a believer. It's beautifully written and in spite of its length (close to 200,000 words if my Kindle length estimate is correct), I could NOT put it down. I loved the story - a steadfast Quaker falls in love with a Duke when she rescues him from a mental institution run by her uncle.

Kinsale's characters are so unique and imperfect that you can't wait to read the next page. The Duke's post-stroke VOICE alone makes this book a must-read. I'm really looking forward to Laura's upcoming 2010 release of Lessons in French.

Butterfly Tattoo by Deidre Knight (On Twitter)

I finished this book nearly a month ago and I still can't stop thinking about it. I'm pretty sure I'll be thinking about it for YEARS. It's that memorable. That WIDE. It was the first book I've ever read that stuck its pick into the soil of the romance genre and then tilled the hell out of it. In a good way.

This is a romance novel about a former actress who falls in love with a man named Michael, the desperate, loving father of a scarred 8-year-old girl. He's a widower and his ex-lover is a MAN named Alex.

I had no idea I could so easily fall in love with a sexually ambidextrous hero, but I did. And quickly. Michael Warner is one of the best characters I've ever had the pleasure of reading. I think I cried about five times as I read his story.

Broken by Megan Hart (Also on Twitter)

This book is *erotica* and it utterly and beautifully lived up to the genre. Am I supposed to be embarrassed that I read erotica? Because I'm not. At all. It's one of my favorite genres and this book was SO well written I would recommend it not only to those who already read in this genre, but to anyone brave enough to try it for the first time. This book would be an excellent place to pop your erotica-reading cherry. (heh) (Sorry!)

Sadie's husband, Adam, her first and only love, is paralyzed from the shoulders down after a skiing accident only one year into their marriage (but something like a decade into their relationship). After several years of taking care of him and watching him slip away from her emotionally, she has a non-physical affair with Joe. Sadie and Joe meet in public once a month and every month he gives her a graphic description of one of his recent sexual conquests. Not having been touched by anyone in more than two years, Sadie imagines every one of his stories is about her.

I loved the way Joe's stories came alive through the author's use of an assumed first-person present tense narrative (hard to explain, but Joe's stories are written from the point-of-view of the woman he's with, only it's Sadie's interpretation of what it would be like to be that woman). Sadie's story and the real time line are in past tense and the whole book is in first person. I loved the flow of the book, the pacing, the anticipation of it. The characters were more than just bodies (like with some erotica); they were more complex than most of the literary characters you find even in book-club fiction. I literally couldn't put it down once I started it.

I know I'm going to keep thinking about this story for a long time. I'm an extremely physical person and it made me think A LOT about how dead I would feel inside (and out) if my husband ever stopped reaching for me, even if it wasn't his fault that he couldn't.

I already wrote about Outlander here, so I don't need to rehash that one. (Recap: Oh, JAMIE, be still my heart.) (Also: I haven't been able to make it past book five. TOO long!)

Also noteworthy:

The Girl She Used to Be by David Cristofano

Beyond Heaving Bosoms: The Smart Bitches Guide to Romance Novels (AKA: Why reading romance novels doesn't lower your IQ!)

Everything ever written by Julia Quinn

Victoria Dahl's contemporary series (Start Me Up, Talk Me Down) (Also on Twitter)

Charlene Harris's Sookie Stackhouse books (the crack cocaine of vampire fiction)

Yes, I realize these are all romance novels, but that's pretty much all I read this year and I won't apologize for it.

I met this guy on Craigslist and it totally changed my life

His ad said:

Who I Am: Early stage registered investment advisor with service platform, clearing relationships, asset allocation expertise, is ready to expand. My firm is client-focused and completely independent. I’m a passive investment manager. I do not believe that market timing, individual stock selection or purchasing actively managed funds adds value for the client; when taxes and fees are considered.

Ideal Candidate: A Commission-based broker wanting a turnkey solution for transition into a fee-based compensation model. I also provide back office support for current fee-based advisors, allowing you to focus on meeting with clients and increase your assets under management. You must have portable assets of at least $5 to $10 million. Any new advisor relationship must be a good cultural fit. A Series 65/66 is necessary. Life and health insurance licenses, CFP, CFA, JD or CPA are a huge plus. You must have good networking skills, be tech savvy, ethical, and have passion for the wealth management process.

Compensation: You will be paid a percentage of the fee revenue generated by financial planning fees, the assets that you manage, and insurance revenue that you generate. Upon hitting an asset threshold, I’m open to giving up equity in the firm, if it’s the right fit, or finance a buy in with revenue.

Other Considerations: While financial planning and investment management is my focus, I have expertise in advanced life insurance case design and relationships with many life and annuity carriers.

Serious inquires only. If you would like to start a discussion please respond via e-mail.

Of course I had no idea who this person was - not even the name of his company - so I wasn't stupid enough to send my resume (with my phone number and address on it!) into the void, so I sent him this instead:

Who I am: Former California (Bay Area) advisor looking to break into the Portland wealth management market. My seven years of experience runs the gamut from basic retirement and education plans to running complicated stock option scenarios for Yahoo! executives. Like you, I believe in passive investment management and active asset allocation. My expertise lies in helping clients make better decisions so they don't have to worry about picking better stocks. My passion lies in getting to know clients well enough that they trust those decisions to me. I have only ever worked as a fee-based planner because I find it impossible to sell anything I wouldn't buy myself.

Ideal opportunity: My advice would be the only product for sale. My client relationships would run deep and last long, but the ones with my co-advisors would run even deeper and last even longer. I'm looking for a collaborative planning environment. If I wanted to work alone without giving clients the benefit of a second opinion, I'd be doing so already.

Compensation: Completely negotiable given the right fit. I might not have the portable assets you're asking for, but I'm HUNGRY and looking to hit the ground running.

Other considerations: I've been out of the workforce and at home with my kids for five years. During the limited free time I've scrounged up for myself, I've worked as a freelance personal finance writer and authored several professional blogs. Some examples of my writing (and financial philosophies) can be found here: http://family.go.com/blog/mandajuice/23/ and here: http://www.alphamom.com/guide-to-everything/2009/02/how_to_start_a_college_fund.php

While my stay-at-home-motherhood experience has been a wonderful one, it's also been a learning one. My lesson has been that I belong in the conference room, not in the kitchen, which is why any wise potential employer would see the resulting gap on my resume as a perk, not a lapse.

Said resume is available and I'd be more than happy to send it to you, but perhaps we could open the discussion with introductions first. My name is Amanda Del Buono and my e-mail address is: amanda@delbuono.com.

A handful of e-mails later, I met Jason at Starbucks (even though he doesn't drink coffee!). I've met some pretty sleazy financial advisors, but Jason isn't one of them. It's INCREDIBLY rare to find people in the financial planning industry who share my philosophy on wealth management and Jason and I clicked immediately. I knew I wanted to work with him literally eight minutes into our first meeting. Lucky for me the feeling was mutual.

"So," I told him. "I have this... blog."

Jason shrugged like it was no big deal.

"And you should probably read it before you decide if you really want to work with me." I passed him my blog business card and he studied it.

"What does 'mandajuice' mean?"

I laughed and shrunk into my chair. "God, you don't have any kids yet, do you? You probably don't wanna know."

"..." His eyebrows went up.

"It's named after my breast milk."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Go home and read it and then tell me if you still want to meet me on Monday."

"Okay."

He came back on Monday.

Best of aught nine: random

1. Having at least one friend who I can ignore for several months (even when she called me multiple times because she worried I'd fallen off the planet) but who acts like she just saw me yesterday and instantly forgives me for not calling her back. (Her response when I e-mailed her: "YAY! You're back!") Meeting said friend for booze on a Friday night and realizing for the dozenth time how lucky I am to have her.

2. Knowing what I want to be when I grow up (a novelist). Knowing what I want to be WHILE I'm still growing up (a financial planner).

3. Kids who are finally independent enough to play well together. (By well, I mean I can leave them to play for a half hour without any bloodshed.)

4. Knowing I'm totally 100% ready to go back to work full time without any doubt or regret whatsoever.

5. Finally getting to know my sister, Audrey. I'm ten years older than her, so we've never really had the chance to be close. We still have NOTHING in common, literally to the point where it's almost ridiculous, but every time we hang out together just the two of us, we laugh like schoolgirls. 2009 was the year we finally became friends. I've known her since 1985; I'm only sorry it took me so long.

6. At least one of my kids wipes their own ass now.

7. David and I are closer than ever.

Best of aught nine: MOVIES

Last night Dave and I were up - and don't think I'm not embarrassed to admit this - past 2:00 in the morning watching a movie and that reminded me that I've been wanting to start running some BEST OF 2009 stuff.

So, in no particular order, our favorite movies of 2009 included:

Funny People

I *HATE* Adam Sandler and I'm not a person who drops the h-bomb casually. He has never been and will never be my favorite actor, but MAN, was he good in this movie. Good enough to keep us up past 2AM on a Wednesday night. The best part was this scene, where George drags Ira along with him to see the doctor (Sandler plays a famous actor who is dying of cancer):

The Hangover

I will LINK to, but not post the final two minutes of this movie. You kinda need to see it to understand why it's funny, but this was the first comedy I've seen where I literally left the theater with tears streaming down my face (from laughing so hard).Bruno

He goes there. You might not appreciate where "there" is, but we thought it was funny as hell.

Four Christmases

The best scene in this (mostly cheesy) movie is when they're all playing "Taboo." It's a board game where you give verbal clues to your partner until they're able to guess the word/person/name/movie on the card you're holding. They couple up and Vince Vaughn's white trash sister wins the round when she gives her wanna-be pro-wrestler husband the clue: "Mexican. Dude." and he immediately answers, "Ricardo Montalban." (I wish I could find it on Youtube, but so far no luck.)

Terminator Salvation (#4? I believe?)

Best special effects I've ever seen and none of Megan Fox's ass to distract me from the robot zombies.

Star Trek

I think this movie has at least four, maybe five ACTUAL cliffhangers, where there is literally a dude hanging off a cliff. But I loved it because A) STAR TREK and B) the chemistry between Uhura and Spock was great. Leave it to me to watch a great Sci-Fi movie and come away all excited about the ROMANCE. But they were the perfect pair of star-crossed lovers. My only disappointment was that I wanted... young Kirk's... last line... in the movie... to be said... with some of... William Shatner's... original flare...

Up

Bring tissue. This movie made me cry at least four time, three of which happened in the first ten minutes.

New Moon

Finally a movie with the proper amount of man nip.

My friend Brandy sent this to me...

And all I can say is: YES.

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Then she sent me this one, which is even better:

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Taboo dichotomy

It's weird, but I always remember where I am - physically in space - when I first experience a big thought. I still remember exactly where I was on planet earth when I realized I was going to marry Dave: in the driver's seat of my mother's gold '95 Honda Accord, taking the Stevens Creek Boulevard exit ramp off of Highway 17 toward the mall to go eat Fresh Choice for dinner. (We were both on diets.) It was our first date, but I will always know the exact spot on planet earth where I first knew. My body remembers the latitude and longitude of the realization.

It makes me wonder about how other people experience memories. One of my old co-workers could tell me what I'd been wearing the first, second, third and fifteenth time I met with a particular client. "Last time you saw the Wilsons*, you wore your brown suit. Wear the navy tomorrow instead." I couldn't even tell you what I wore yesterday. Her memories were textile; mine apparently run more toward the geographic. What are yours like, I'm curious...

Anyway. On Saturday morning, I was standing at the counter with the fridge cocked open behind me, pouring milk into my third cup of coffee when I had a rather delicious personal revelation. A big thought. Big enough that I'll remember the chilled goose flesh-like feel of the milk jug I was holding when I had it.

How can I be both a professional financial planner AND a writer of scurrilous shit AT THE SAME TIME?

It's like two great things that don't go together AT ALL. For a long time, I kept my name a secret specifically because I feared that my blog would some day bother my potential employer and/or my clients. I mean, not everything I write here is exactly FLATTERING. And in my spare time, I write sex scenes. Juicy ones that I hope to someday see on a shelf at Barnes & Noble.

For years, I've just chalked it up to a simple duality: everyone has two sides, right?

Work/Play

Left brain/Right brain

Public/Private

But that always made me feel sorry for BOTH halves of me. I could never be 100% happy as a financial planner because there was this part of me that my job forced me to hide. Yet I couldn't be 100% happy as a writer because I couldn't say everything I wanted to. What if my clients found my blog?

I could never find a bridge to connect the two sides of me, so I just hid them from each other.

My epiphany was so simple that I'm shocked I never saw the connection before.

Here it is. Off the top of your head, go ahead and name the two most personal topics you can think of. The two topics most people are LEAST likely to discuss with ANYONE, much less strangers.

Sex and money.

Romance Writer and Financial Planner.

I think I must be missing some key embarrassment gene, but not having it allows me to be completely comfortable with topics that tend to horrify most people. But thanks to my fridge-door epiphany, I plan to wear both titles with pride from here on out. I see no reason to hide one side from the other.

My new business is in financial planning and I obviously have no intention of hiding my blog from my clients. I love listening to people tell me their financial stories because I know that if I dig deep enough with my brain and my heart, I can translate anyone's numbers, no matter how screwed up, into a satisfying, cohesive narrative. And every well-written financial plan ends with a happily ever after.

How did I not see the connection before?

* "The Wilsons" are completely fake. I would never, not in a million years, not on my deathbed, not even under the threat of Jack Randall's knife, EVER reveal the name of one of my clients on my website or anywhere else.