In which I'm a blight on the feminist movement

So.  Dave is in Detroit on business. 

[Aside #1:  I am physically incapable of saying Detroit like a normal human.  It must be said with attitude - either DEtroit or DeTROIT and I find it helps if you throw a Bizzatch on the end of it.  Don't ask me why.  I've never ventured into the middle of this fine country of ours and as such I have no idea how actual people from Detroit say Detroit.  It just seems like a city that begs to be referred to with authori-tah.][Beeyotch.]

[Aside #2:  Stellar timing, no?!  A flight from here to DeTROIT requires at least one stop over.  If I spring a leak at this point, Dave would have less than a 50-50 chance of making it home in time for the birth.]

And as much as I revel in not having to wipe up his coffee stains or pick up his dirty socks (I cleaned the house two days ago.  And?  IT'S STILL CLEAN.), I'm actually starting to miss the old man.  First, he took the laptop with him, a fact which unsettles me, but far less so than it does Alex, who has thrown at least three tantrums about NOT BEING ABLE TO PLAY THE CAKE GAME!!  [Our desktop, which we angstily refer to as Frankencomputer (assembled from other, lesser, computer parts) doesn't even have a sound card, so the boy is shit out of luck on sproutletsgrow.com.]

Secondly, when he's gone, there is no break in my day and I feel like I have nothing to look forward to in the evening.  Even if Dave and I are angry with each other and I'm not really looking forward to him getting home, I still look forward to him getting home.  I can't help it.

Thirdly, and what I really started this entry to talk about, is that I NEED my husband.  Spare me all that independent woman crap, I DO need a man.  Preferably this one.  The one I met and wrangled into marrying me lo those many years ago.  The weird thing is that I never used to feel this way.  For the first half of our marriage, I was the breadwinner and it never occurred to me that my husband was anything more than my companion, my closest friend and someone I wanted to have around.  Our relationship had nothing to do with need. 

And then those two pink lines showed up so unexpectedly and I was immediately wracked with fear that something would happen to Dave.  That he would drop dead of a coronary or fall asleep driving and die in a fiery crash.  Every time he got on an airplane, I held my breath until he returned.  Of course most of that was just a perfectly normal case of the pregnancy crazies, but still.  I NEEDED him.  For the first time ever, I felt like my own well-being completely hinged upon his presence.  Parenthood is not something I've ever fooled myself into believing I could do by myself.  I honestly try to imagine how single mothers do it and I come up blank.  I could not do it.  It's that simple. 

So I'm really looking forward to seeing my husband again.  The only thing that horrifies me more than being alone right now is the thought of him not being able to participate in our daughter's birth.  Let's just hope Baby Sister stays put for one more day.  And that the next time Dave and I start to bicker about whether or not the boy should be eating ice cream or whether we Tivo Jeopardy or American Idol, I'll step back and remind myself how much I need  my husband.  As much as he annoys me, I couldn't face a day without him in it.

Comments

[Sarah]

Speaking as someone from Sunnyvale who now lives in DETROIT (ok, 40 minutes away in Ann Arbor, thank God)....it doesn't matter how you pronounce it; why anyone would go there is beyond me. I'm just mad it's now my closest city instead of San Francisco!
Anyway, enough of that....I am sure Dave will come home in plenty of time to help....and it's completely understandable why you'd 'need' a man - they're fun to have around :)

[Arwen]

Ooooh, believe me, Detroit does not demand to be said with authori-tah. We Detroit-area people (and I'm with Sarah in Ann Arbor, but I've lived in what is referred to as "metro-Detroit" all my life) say it more like Duh-TROIT, with the end of that second syllable petering off into quiet oblivion. Trust me, the city is headed that way too - it's a sad, sad place.

And awwwwww, and I feel exactly the same way about my husband. Sweet.

[Elizabeth Jones]

I feel the same way about my husband. It is nice to need someone like that.

[Chrissie]

Every time my husband goes away, I am reminded how absolutely useless I would be as a single mom. I honestly don't think I could do it.

I love him and need him in much the same way you need yours. And I think he loves and needs me like that as well. :)

[LisaK]

Don't say you could never be a single mother. You would be surprised at what you can do when you have no choice. I always thought I could never do it alone either. Then my husband died unexpectedly - and here I am. A single mom. I still can't believe it sometimes but there it is. You just have to find an inner strength and do it. We all have it.

[GraceD]

I need my man. My man needs me. We're both feminists. We punish anyone who says otherwise by making them listen to hours of Lilith Fair music.