On babies and boobs

We've had some absolutely glorious weather lately and I've taken the kids to the park every single day.  I've also taken a bunch of photos, some of which absolutely BEG for interesting captions:

That was taken on Saturday, when we took a picnic to Shoreline park.  There were A LOT of babies out that day; we played there for two hours and I saw about ten of them under 12 months old.  NONE of which were breastfed.  I saw bottles everywhere, but not a single other nursing mother. And I'm only counting the babies I actually witnessed being fed, not the ones whose mothers just didn't happen to be feeding them at the park.  I found this utterly baffling. 

I think you all know me well enough to understand that I'm not trying to be judgmental and I understand that nursing isn't for everyone, but STILL.  By biological design, women are supposed to nurse their babies for, what, at least a year, right?  If not, the human race would've died off before bottles and formula were even invented.  Nowadays, you'd have to live in a cave not to know that breast milk is best and formula is second best.  Which I guess is why I naively thought breastfeeding was the rule and bottle feeding was the exception.  But Dude was I wrong.  What's going on?

Edited to add:  The breastmilk in the bottle thing didn't really occur to me.  The last thing I'd ever in a million years do would be to waste an ounce of pumped milk when I could just whip out a boob and nurse.  But that's me.  I HATE PUMPING.  I would rather have every man within a five mile radius gawk at my bare naked nipple than to have to yank out that stupid pump again.

I understand that there are plenty of excellent and valid reasons why some women can't or don't nurse, but I guess that's also my point: I wish there weren't so many reasons.  I'm not questioning anyone's decision nor am I saying that I think nursing or bottle feeding has anything whatsoever to do with whether or not you're a good parent.  I just think it's sad that more women FOR WHATEVER REASON don't/can't enjoy the breastfeeding experience longer.  I thought I was in the majority and I was just suprised when it hit me that I am totally in the minority.  That's all.

Anyway, there are more pictures of us from yesterday at the park:

Alex has decided that he HATES posing for pictures, as evidenced by all the greasy fingerprints on the lenses of my camera and the huge deficit of his photos compared to those taken of his sister.  Oh well.  I still have this.

Finally, I tried to take a bunch of portraits yesterday afternoon when the lighting was nice.  (Click on the pictures to see each of the three Flickr sets)

Comments

[Arwen]

I totally concur with you on the breastfeeding thing. However, just thought I'd point out that it's quite possible that some of the babies you saw getting bottles are actually breastfed *some*, just not exclusively. Public breastfeeding is a challenge for first-time moms (Milla is five months and I just now feel like I'd be comfortable popping her on during a park outing) and I'm guessing that a lot of mothers who supplement with formula will tend to give their babies formula in public rather than trying to nurse them, just because it's easier.

Genoa, wow! What a stunner she is.

[Carrie]

Hi! Perhaps some of the babies you saw were being bottle fed pumped breastmilk?? You never know!

[Leticia]

I breastfed...granted not for a whole year, but when I did in public it was always pumped milk in a bottle just like Carrie suggested. Again, not judging, but as a first time breastfeeder...I was pretty shy about popping it out in public and was honestly never that good at it to begin with. I usually pumped and fed through a bottle. I was able to do it for about 14 weeks, then supply diminished.

Genoa is gorgeous.

[Heatherg]

OOO, CAPTION CONTEST!
I'm calling it.

Ok- Underneath the first picture it should have Genoa saying: Is that her diaper I smell? MOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!

And of course Alex is looking in.... deciding whether or not putting his hand in would get him into a time out or not. lol

And the last photo..... She is just a doll.

And FYI-
I bottle fed. From day one. In that bottle was Breastmilk - until he was around a year old (Until I went back to work) He wouldnt, couldnt, didnt want to, whatever the reason, boy wasnt with the boob so i had to pump. I rented a pump from the hospital and thats what i did for about a year.

[Croft]

It must be where you live because here in SF at the playground I rarely see a bottle. Also I agree with the moms above about breast milk in bottles, very likely this could be the case.

Also I wanted to breast feed for a year, gave it my all, but after weeks of struggling with the latch due to inverted nipples and conflicting advice and little support (my daughter was born abroad and I had a very hard time finding support) I started slipping into a major depression. My husband and I decided that the best thing for my daughter was for her to have a happy and healthy mother, not a breast attached to a mother that dreaded when her baby would wake up and need to eat. I switched to pumping and giving a bottle for a few months and then eventually on to formula. Yes, breast milk is best, but there are many of us who do try and with whatever circumstances could not breast feed as we would have liked.

[Jenny H.]

I agree with croft. I was unable to breastfeed either of my children. I had knee surgery six weeks after the birth of each child. I spent several weeks on serious pain meds. It was a difficult choice for me to have to make. You have to do what is best for your child.

I hope to be able to breastfeed out third child.

[Jenny H.]

Forgot to mention the picture- it's the "devil face"!! My 18 m.o. makes the same exact face!!

[OMSH]

Genoa: "OOOOh did you see the diaper butt that girl was sporting? Lay off the cheese and crackers. Ooooo-eeee ... easy cheese."

Friend: "Stop it. No, really you gotta stop. You're killing me. I can't look anymore. I'm dying over here. Can't.Get.A.Breath."

--------
When I breastfed mine I didn't know but one other woman that breastfed. I'd pop my ample bossoms out just to watch facial expressions. Okay, not really ... b/c I was looking or a date. No? FINE. Because my babies didn't wait and would NOT take a bottle. We went from momma's nipple to sippy - no lie.

[Jamie]

In public I fed breast milk from a bottle. If I didn't happen to have any expressed milk with me, I'd feed him in my car, in the restroom... My son hated to be covered up while nursing. And he would always latch on, then off, on then off the entire time he nursed so my nipples were constantly exposed. If he'd have just latched on and stayed on, I probably wouldn't have felt I had to hide away to do it.

[Lon]

Yeah, my wife had breastfeeding issues as well (inverted nipples). It was not working out well. Switched her over to formula and it made for a happier set of parents.

[kalisah]

I agree that breastfeeding is best, but you never know all their personal circumstances. My son weaned himself at 4 months. I went back to work and started pumping and he very quickly decided that the bottle was easier to suck. I was just grateful that I got to nurse as long as I did. BTW, never had an ear infection. Not one. So I guess the breastmilk did its job.

[Colleen]

I think that would have surprised me too. But most of the moms I know are or were long-time breastfeeders (I was lucky enough to be able to breastfeed until my daughter was 17 months) so maybe that's why.

My daughter refused any and all bottles. She was a total boobie baby. So, if we were out in public, out came the sustenance no matter the circumstance. I got used to it but I'm not sure everyone else around me (i.e. strangers) ever did!

[Lynn]

Actually you do sound a bit judgemental. I agree with many of the previous posters. Don't judge a book by it's cover. Many of those bottles may have contained breastmilk. And if they contained formula, it's really not your place to judge that mother. There are many personal decisions that lead a woman to decide to formula feed (medications the mother is taking and adoption are just two you need to consider). Just enjoy your time at the park with you two beautiful babies and stop wasting time judging other mothers.

[Rayne of Terror]

It looks like the babies are at the racetrack or gambling. I'd call that one, "Baby needs a new pair of shoes" or something along those lines.

I'm another bf'r who fed expressed milk in bottles about 1/2 the time we were in public for feedings. But I also live in an area where formula feeding is the norm and have cleared the room several times by discreetly bfing in a corner - so there's that.

[beki]

I'm a third time nursing mom, and when we're in public I usually give Ava expressed breast milk from a bottle. But at home, it's all boob all the time. My only babe I ever nursed in public was #2. With #1 I was too shy and new at all, but with #3 I'm not really sure why I use a bottle in public. I guess it's easier for me that way.

[Kristie H.]

I agree with Lynn. I have bottle fed all my kids. My son is now 7 mos old, my girls are 6 and 2 And they are all fine. I think it is wonderful that some mothers decide to breastfeed, but for some of us, it is just not for us.

[Robbi]

Agreeing with Lynn and Kristie. Not only did I formula feed my daughter, I did it because I WANTED to. Not because I COULDN'T. That was my choice, and you shouldn't be worrying about what other people do. And guess what, she never got an ear infection either, and just so happens to be the most advanced kid in her preschool class. A baby raised on formula in no way turns out to be lesser of a person than one raised on breast milk. Infact I'd have to admit that the fact that my husband got to feed her 50% of the time, so she never went through a phase of only wanting MomMomMom 24/7, was definitely great. It allowed her to bond with both of us equally. Everyone has reasons for what they want and do, and unless someone is starving their children or abusing them, don't worry about their business.

[Amber]

Yikes! Some of these comments! I don't think you sound judgmental at all. Just reasonably surprised and disappointed. You're much better at not judging formula feeding than I am. It's something I am working on and I AM getting better. I don't jump to conclusions anymore about the WHY of it, but I remain skeptical. Used to be I didn't know how to talk to someone I saw feeding formula, but now I am genuinely friendly. Phew! It's when people think it doesn't matter and say it's just not for them that it gets under my skin.

[Angie]

It's interesting to me how the breastfeeding debate echoes the consciousness-raising dynamic in academic feminist circles. When feminists get together to learn, hold conferences, do activism, there's a strong bond and sense of "Don't judge a sister." So you're all trying to show respect for all viewpoints and engage in respectful dialogue, and it becomes an "enlightenment Olympics," i.e. "I'm a straight ally" vs. "well, I live my life as a lesbian, so I know oppression" vs. "I'm black and gay, so I REALLY am qualified to challenge racism, sexism and homophobia, thus YOUR viewpoint isn't as complex as mine." And then the straight ally feels excluded or silenced, which is the antithesis of the feminist movement, and she speaks up and says so, and after a while, everyone just wants to bang their heads on the conference table. The bottom line is, when that happens, not much gets done. We're all so busy staking our claim, defending our experiences and identities, that our common goals of fighting the "isms" (sexism, racism, classism, et al) get put on the back burner, and patriarchy flourishes unchecked.

The motherhood debate is so similar. The same rallying cry is there; I read it on blogs and the message boards all the time. In this case, "Don't judge a mother!" The bloggers that I read (and I suspect you read them too) have articulated this capably in recent weeks, and I quote Finslippy:

"It's the same [message] we get day after day. And it's simply this: we are not capable. Women are not capable. We need to be watched. We need to be told what to do. We must be monitored, judged, and corrected.
This message is so pervasive, we don't even hear it anymore. We just internalize it, and fret, and compare ourselves to everyone else, and point fingers at other mothers who we think are worse than we are."

So what's my point? Blogs-particularly those written about motherhood- have become an amazing new kind of community, an amazing opportunity to share ideas, bond with other women, and "raise consciousness" feminist-style. We should use these opportunity to learn from each other, share our experiences, find strength and comraderie in the community, and learn a lesson from academia. When we judge, point fingers, we do ourselves a disservice. Not much gets done, and sooner or later, we all want to bang our heads on the table.

Specifically, regarding Amanda's entry, it sounds like breast-feeding is a joy and relatively easy for you, and you have every right to be proud of yourself. Some readers may judge your decision to do "cry it out" with Genoa, even though you clearly adore her and it clearly worked for you and it clearly has her sleeping better for a healthier stretch of time. You write about spanking Alex, and while its clear that you never do it unless it's the final straw and the only way to show him something he is doing is completely unacceptable or unsafe, there are people who read who will never understand that.

I return to your blog, as so many others do, day after day, because I feel like I learn something. There's value in reading blogs where a woman can truly be heard and seen and write in a voice all her own.

The inclination to judge and compare is deeply entrenched in all of us, but there is so much to learn here, so much to say and share. I propose setting the judgment aside, as much as we can, because if we don't... we'll all just be banging our heads on the table.

[Audrey]

I didn't read all the comments, but it's possible that those bottles were filled with boob juice - I know some mom's just aren't comfortable breastfeeding in public and prefer to pump when they know they'll be out. But yes, breast IS best and I'm hopeful that even with returning to work, my baby will be on breastmilk for at least 6 but most hopefully twelve months of his/her life!

[Emily]

This is an honest-to-God question that I've always wondered about. How do you nurse a child in public in the winter? Breastfeeding didn't work out well for us (no regrets now, but I really beat myself up about it at the time) but I always wondered how the hell I was going to be able to yank up a gigantic wool turtleneck sweater plus whatever I wore underneath it to nurse in public. Is it just easier than I think it is?

Not sure why I need to know so badly. I know, I'm weird.

[Arwen]

First of all, I didn't think Amanda was being judgmental. It's okay to be surprised and saddened by the fact that people aren't nursing their kids (assuming that it wasn't breastmilk it all of those bottles).

Second of all, with all due respect to previous commenters, there's a difference between the CIO and spanking debates and the debate about breastmilk vs. formula. CIO and spanking are nebulous issues; the emotional and psychological advantages and disadvantages are highly debatable. Breastfeeding, on the other hand, is simple: breastmilk has numerous documented physical advantages. It is better for babies, period.

This is not to say that there are not factors that can outweigh those advantages (the mental health of the mother being the first thing that comes to mind) and a family can make a valid decision in favor of one of those factors.

But it has not been that long since doctors were telling mothers that formula was better than breastmilk, and there are still a lot of people out there who don't know that it's not true. I think it does those people - many of whom could benefit from breastfeeding not only healthwise but also financially - a large disservice to pretend that formula is "just as good" as breastmilk, simply to assuage our guilt about not nursing our babies.

Like I said, the decision that something else outweighs the benefits of breastfeeding for your family is a perfectly valid one. Don't feel guilty about it, but own it in the face of the medical evidence; don't ignore the medical evidence because it makes you feel better.

(I'm not speaking specifically to any commenter here, just in general.)

And Emily, my answer to the question you asked is 1)nursing tank tops, and 2)layers! When it's time to nurse, yank that huge sweater off and just lift up the t-shirt you've got on underneath. The nursing tank covers your belly, and the sweater sits charmingly atop your whole baby/boob combo and does double duty as a shield.

Still haven't figured out what to do about the hair static thing, though.

(If you're talking about nursing outside in the winter, I've got nothing. I don't know anyone crazy enough to try that.)

[carrie]

Whoa. Not getting into the debate, here. Just wanting to say that those photos make me wish that I could just run away from teaching my ninth-graders, grab up may baby and come hang out with YOU.

[eastcoastelle]

I live in Canada where we get a year of maternity leave, so its certainly easier to breastfeed for a year. I understand how difficult it must for many mothers to continue to breastfeed when they go back to work after 12 weeks.

Also, for some moms there can be definite issues with popping out the boob in public (my daughter does not latch easily and tends to yank any covering blanket off, so I wouldn't be comfortable feeding in an open area like a park). Also, some mommies may have had problems with milk supply (my daughter was two months early. By the time we were able to breastfeed, my milk supply was already diminishing. Also, she had a much harder time learning to latch because of her tiny mouth - she didn't learn to latch completely on her own until she was three months old.)

You can never know other mothers reasons/motives for using a bottle. I know I've felt the "look" I've received from breastfeeding mommies for using a bottle in public. Try not to judge us.

[Dallas]

You can't just say "I'm not trying to judge anyone" and then make a very judgmental comment about how disappointed you are, etc. I find that to be extremely disingenuous. If you're going to make a statement then make one. Some of the commenters here have been much more straightforward about their opinions, and that is admirable.