The Fool-Proof Friend-Making Strategy

I should probably back up for a minute and admit that I used to ROYALLY SUCK at making friends.  I have literally ZERO friends from college and only a handful of friends from high school.  In my twenties, before having Alex at 27, I made NO friends.  As in none.  NADA.  Not a one. 

And it was totally my fault. 

Sure, it was harder back then because I didn't have kids to help me break the ice, but I had Harry!  And (potentially) hobbies!  And a job!  But the truth is that I was miserably unhappy for most of my twenties and I wasn't in a very good place.  I couldn't BE the friend I needed others to be for me, so my friendships were always short-lived and completely unfulfilling. 

So that's where I'll start my Fool-Proof Friend-Making Strategy:

1.  BE THE FRIEND YOU WANT TO HAVE. 
I love SchnozzFest's line from that post (if you haven't read THAT POST, go read it now.  It's long.  I'll wait.) in which she says:

"Life is only like high school if you act like you are in high school."

NO KIDDING.  I never do ANY OF THAT CRAP.  If someone doesn't call me back, I assume THEY ARE BUSY.  I don't take it personally.  It doesn't hurt my itty bitty feelings and I don't let my brain start festering the idea that so and so must hate me or I must have pissed her off somehow.  Because I didn't.  I wouldn't.

Basically, if you want to have friends, you have to GET OVER YOURSELF and realize that being rejected, while incredibly rare, is NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.  In fact, it's not even about you.  It's about THEM.  (The same thing goes for blog troll comments.)  Be confident in the fact that you are a good person, natch, YOU ARE FABULOUS.  Anyone would be LUCKY to have you as a friend! 

If you start to go down that path wherein you PRE-REJECT a potential friend because she might reject you?  STOP YOURSELF.  You're not in High School anymore.  What Schnozz is saying is that if you have a hard time making friends, it's because you're probably making it too hard for others to be friends with you.

This point also refers back to my ONE CRITERIA for potential friends:  Take me as I am.  See?  It goes both ways!  I take my friends for face value.  And why wouldn't I?  They're FABULOUS people.

2.  START THE CONVERSATION.
So now that you've worked out your end of the deal and you're, you know, an ADULT and all, say you're at the mall and you spot some cute mom with an adorable purse and chipped toenail polish and you have to figure out how to approach her.  Here's what works for me every. single. time:

"How old is your son (or daughter)?"

The best thing about this question is that even if they give you a one-word answer, you have some room to start a conversation.  You might say, "Four?  Really, I would've thought he was older than that! "  or "God, TWO?  Do you want a swig from this flask I keep in my purse!"  From there I often start a discussion about age differences between kids and/or how many kids you want to have.  I often throw in a story about how hard it was to be pregnant while chasing a two-year-old, a story that includes the prolific mentioning of hemorrhoids.  A little grossness always helps break the ice!  It is rare that I ever experience a conversation lull with a fellow parent because there's so much fodder there, but if it gets quiet, I just ask where she gave birth and whether or not she'd recommend her Gynecologist to me.

If you DON'T have kids, you just need to make sure you ask QUALITATIVE questions.

"How do like living here?"

"What's your major?"

"Is that a tattoo of a monkey throwing poo?"

Start ANYWHERE, the point is to keep the conversation going and see if you have any chemistry with this person.

If you aren't finding potential people to approach in the first place, then you probably just need to get out more.  And I don't mean at the coffee shop or the book store or the bar, where you aren't likely to have enough in common with a random stranger!  Take an interest-specific class, join a club, offer to write the newsletter for your neighborhood HOA.  There's a million places to make friends if you have interesting enough interests.

3. CARRY A PEN AND PAPER WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES. 

I can always tell within a few minutes of first meeting someone if they are a member of Club Awesome or not.  Usually, it's either that they will laugh at my stupid jokes or say something that makes me laugh.  If I feel like I'm clicking with someone new, I whip out my pen and paper, write down my name, phone number and my e-mail address and hand it over to the person, usually saying something like, "It might fun to meet up at the park for a play date."

As for mommy calling cards, I'm lukewarm on them.  A lovely reader (whose contact info and blog address I quickly lost!) actually made me some with my name, web address and phone number on them.  They were super cute and said, "Mom of Alex & Genoa," and I really like them, but I rarely use them mostly because I feel like they come across as an advertisement for my blog, which is potentially off-putting particularly to someone who doesn't blog or know what blogs are about. 

By pulling out the pad of paper, nine times out of ten the person I'm offering my contact info to will take the pen and give me HER contact info, which is what I really want.  If I hand someone a card, chances are that no matter how awesome they are or how much we clicked, they won't have the cojones to contact me.

AND THAT'S OKAY.

The other thing I always do is to write my blog address down under my contact info.  Not only is my blog a HUGE part of my existence, but I figure if someone can stomach what I write here, they're totally and completely friend-worthy.

4.  SEND AN E-MAIL.

This is why I'm so interested in getting the contact info from potential friends: I like to use e-mail.  It's my favorite form of not-in-person communication.  After meeting someone new, I usually send them an e-mail saying how fun it was to meet them, in which I reference something we talked about  and then casually suggest another IN PUBLIC meeting.

If all I've got is a phone number, I put on my big girl panties and USE IT.  I call them up and say hi.  I always like to call with a purpose, rather than just to chat (I'm not much of a phone person), so my calls will most likely be along the lines of  "Hi this is Amanda, Alex and Genoa's mom.  We met at the park remember?  Are you interested in going to the zoo next week?"

I like e-mail better because it doesn't put people on the spot and it gives them time to put their best foot forward with a response.  Also there is nothing more impossible than having a phone conversation when you have two children under the age of five.  NOTHING.

5.  ASK A LOT OF QUESTIONS
When I meet up with someone for the second time, I ask as many questions as I possibly can.  Talking a lot comes naturally to me (Ha!), but when I want to get to know someone, I try to shut my pie-hole at least half the time and asking them their life story question by question is the easiest way to accomplish that. 

Have you always lived here? 
How did you pick that neighborhood? 
Do you have family nearby? 
How long have you been married? 
Where did you go to school?
What does your husband do for a living?
Do you plan to go back to work some day?
What church do you go to?  (And how did you pick it?)

I could go on and on, but it's easy.  What I'm looking for is common ground (and admittedly, LACK OF DRAMA).  The more questions you ask, the sooner you'll know if this is a match made in heaven or hell.

6.  BECOME THE INVITER
The death knell to every potential friendship of my twenties was that I would call or e-mail a friend and then I'd never hear back.  Or I'd invite someone some place and assume it was their turn to invite me next. 

THAT WAS TOTALLY STUPID.

Now I invite people to do things or go places or come over and eat food and then I INVITE THEM AGAIN.  You'll never catch me wasting a second of my life waiting for the phone to ring.  If I want to see my friends, I make it happen.  And here's the important part: I'm pretty sure this makes it EASIER to be my friend.  If you don't return my phone call, I'm going to CALL YOU AGAIN.  And I'm probably going to keep calling you until you change your number.

Admittedly, part of this issue is that I'm an Obsessive-Compulsive Inviter.  I come by my love of entertaining genetically (see exhibit A: My Mother).  Basically what it boils down to is a fundamental need to fill peoples' bellies.  I like to host parties, feed people and give them booze.  I honestly ENJOY that stuff and feel like it's my true vocation in life.  But if you don't feel that way?  DON'T FEAR!  There are plenty of things you can do to see your friends that don't involve cleaning your kitchen floor or mincing garlic.  Take some beer to the park or find a cheap pizza place that your friends all love.  But INVITE THEM.  It makes all the difference.

And that's my Friend Making Manifesto.  I can't emphasize enough how much the new friends I've made here in Vancouver have enriched my life. 

So how did you meet your best friend?  Am I leaving anything out?  Feel free to share.

Comments

[Henny Penny]

Try to invite a potential friend to free/inexpensive places and events at first, so unequal incomes don't get in the way of finding a friend. I.e. go to the park instead of children's museum.

I don't have a best friend right now, but I'm working on it. I just had several local bloggers over to grill out and let the kids play in the sprinkler. I also like to make connections between people who I think will like each other - and that happened at the bbq too.

[laura]

just want to say thank you for these tips, we have 2 toddlers and one on the way and most of our "friends" do not have any kids, so they kinda don't get certain things. so i am going to put all of this to use at the parks and so on. thanks again!

[Sara]

I'm pretty good at IRL friendships. I've got some great friends and I do pretty well in new situations. Mostly where I feel out of place is at group functions (I'm thinking school or the private pool I belong to) where I'm well known, because I volunteer for a lot of stuff. And yet, I don't have a "group" of casual friends to hang out with. Really though, I muddle through and try not to feel too out of place.

But here is what I can't seem to do - Blog friendships. Can you cover that next? It seems so easy for other people. They get this whole network going with commenters and links and such. I'm so disconnected!

[Sheryl]

I don't really have a problem making friends, if I can be around them for a little while. It takes me a while to know whether or not someone is a member of Club Awesome. I had tons of friends in high school and college, and when I worked, but now that I'm an at-homer, living in a new city, I just don't know where I can go to meet people, because I'm not that comfortable striking up a conversation with a stranger.

[Nicole]

You make alot of good points.. I can totally relate to the not having many friends in my twenties, but now I seem to be better at making them.. Might be my age (no more highschool drama shit) or I m sure having kids makes it a little easier too.
I would love to be your friend... We seem to have alot in common.. Same age, 2 kids.. etc
but you know living on the other side of the country, and all probably would not work so well.
Ha
:)

[mm]

Wow. Someday. My problem? I usually immediately find that I cannot stand "mommy" types. I want to pinch them and run away on the playground.

[Meggan]

Thanks for this post. I have few friends in the town I live (for 10+ years). I sometimes wish I had kids just for the purpose of helping to break the ice. I find that most people my age do have kids and seem to be at a different place in their life. I'll try hard to see if I can follow some of your advice.

[EmJay]

Thank you!!! We are getting ready to move to a new city. It is good to have the strategy spelled out. I learned a lot of these things where we live now and made great friends. It is sad to leave them, but as my husband and I discussed we have the skills to make new friends. The one issue I have as a mom who goes to work in an office is that my daytime schedule is limited, so the play dates can be a challenge. My husband stays home with the kids and he just doesn't seem to need the social interaction. As a follow on once we do make contacts I try to connect other people as well. I will have a pizza night at our home and invite two families that don't know each other yet, but who seem like they would click nicely. I find once you start talking and listening especially to people who have kids there is lots of common ground.

[Kymberly Howo]

Hello again! I'm glad you liked your calling cards, and you're enjoying your new city. Your new home is BEAUTIFUL, and my Southern heart keens enviously at all the pictures of your gorgeous backyard. I grew up in a place that looked a lot like Vancouver (but with more HOT and HUMID).

[Rachael]

Isn't it funny how once you're out of high school/college, and especially if you're a SAHM, it's so much harder to meet people! It's just because we learn to be lazy - we rely on classes or jobs where we're forced to see people over and over which allows us to develop connections. Thanks for posting this, it just makes me realize that you just have to be BRAVE and if you think someone is cool, then keep calling them! All right... I have to go out and make some new friends now.

[NADINE]

Just a quick question. Did you find it was harder to make friends before your surgery? Did you feel that people treated you differently? I am a friendly, outgoing, family card distributing mom who is fun loving. I am making some friends. BUT I get the "stink eye" from people who judge my weight ( I am 250). Its so obviously rude.

[Ali]

I completely agree with you about phone versus e-mail regarding putting people on the spot. I especially like to e-mail our babysitter. It gives them time to check their schedule and get back to me on their own time. And I think everything else you said was spot on, too.

[Angela]

In my twenties I was a totally selfish friend and have learned to ask questions and become interested in other people. I enjoyed reading your article and I am so glad not to be in High School anymore or have any of those type of friendships!

[Sam]

I love this, Amanda! And this is SO timely as we've moved and I have no friends here...literally, I know NOBODY. What a weird sensation after living in the same place for ten years and always running into friends! But I just suck at being the "inviter". I've joined a local meetup group so that I can feel out the waters and meet some people!

[Kelly from Almost Frugal]

Thanks Amanda, not only for the link to Schnozz, which then led to about ten dozen other links, but for this post. It was great! I'm including it in a link roundup tomorrow.

I have to bite back the urge to talk about myself when I get nervous, which is often when meeting nem people. I shall have to remember your list of questions for when I get stuck!

[Lacy]

I would love to hear an answer to Nadine's great question when you have time!

[Sara]

I've started keeping a little notepad and pen with me after reading this post. I'm not very good at initiating contact or conversation, so I really do appreciate these tips. Making friends is something I'm working on. I still feel very new to my area and isolated sometimes when I have actually lived here for about 5 years already. It's a very transient place, though, so some of the great friendships I managed to make are now very long distance ones. Thanks for the tips.