On making friends

I first saw Tana when she was nursing her baby, Austen, at the play area at the local mall.  Our big boys each picked up a shoe and started chasing each other around pretending they were light sabers.  It was a match made in heaven.  I started talking to her, we exchanged numbers and we've been close friends ever since.

When we were still renting our apartment, Kate (and Scott) moved in right across from us all the way from Michigan.  Our front doors faced eachother and her two girls liked to play under the stairs and on the sidewalk, which was two feet from our patio.  My kids begged to play with her kids and after a week or two, I moved our patio chairs to the front hallway so we could sit together after dinner and watch our kids play.  We ended up finding houses less then five minutes from each other and our friendship has continued to flourish in spite of the big age difference between our kids. 

Tonya's daughter Kendall was in Alex's Montessori class.  We saw each other almost every day at pick up time and eventually we struck up a conversation (which I'm pretty sure was about extended breast-feeding).  From that day on I always looked forward to seeing Tonya at school, even though it took us well over a month to learn each others' names.  I'm pretty sure she invited me over first too!  We had coffee while the kids were at school and one play date led to another and eventually it became clear that Genoa and Kendall were destined to be BFF.  Ditto for me and Tonya.

I'm pretty sure that Callie was the first friend I made in Vancouver.  I was at Cafe Sip & Play with Genoa and Alex and she was there with her daughter Anna while her son Liam was at preschool.  We got to talking and I learned that she was actually from San Mateo, a short ten minutes from our old place in Mountain View.  She immediately gave me her phone number and now we still hang out as much as we can, including a weekly park play date.

Annagrace and I were mutually introduced by Jen Zug, a reader of each of our respective blogs who figured out that I was moving right to where Annagrace already lived.  I immediately fell in love with the love of life that came through in Annagrace's writing and in person and our daughters are literally less than a month apart in age.  I'm looking forward to pouring her a cocktail some time in the next two weeks after she gives birth to her next daughter!

I wish I could say that ALL my attempts at friendship have been so easy, but the truth is that I've met people with whom I ended up not clicking and I've also met people I really liked who never returned my affection.  I should say that I've spent no small amount of time developing a mental idea of what I'm looking for in a friend.  I basically have ONE requirement:

Take me as I am.  I'm totally completely and utterly OVER walking on egg shells around friends.  I want to be with people around whom I can say whatever I want without fear of being judged or that I might unintentionally hurt someone's tender feelings.  I want to surround myself with people around whom even if I say something AWFUL (usually while intoxicated), they will take me for my GOODNESS and realize that everyone sometimes says stupid crap they don't mean.  I want friends who give the benefit of the doubt every. single. time.  If I accidentally hurt someone's feelings, I want that person's first reaction to be that they're sure I didn't mean it.  Because why would I be trying to hurt the people I care about?

This philosophy really encompasses more than you'd think.  I have friends who are Christians and friends who are atheists, friends who are Republicans and friends who are Democrats.  Moms who breastfed for two months and moms who breastfed for two years.  And you know what?  None of that matters!  As long as the conversation is easy and everyone plays nice, there is really no reason to ever exclude someone because of some philosophy upon which you disagree.  That my friends are GOOD people is all that really matters to me.

Of course, I'm making this seem MUCH more simple that it actually is.  I know plenty of moms who meet people at the mall all the time, but still don't have many good close friends.  So tomorrow I'm going to share my Fool-Proof Friend-Making Strategy.  In the meantime, go read THIS POST by one of my favoritest bloggers, SchnozzFest, in which she explains all the stupid reasons people think other people won't like them.  I'll give my two cents on that issue tomorrow!

Comments

[Annagrace]

What's hilarious is last night I had a total pregnancy dream about you (NOT as creepy as it sounds!) The details are kind of hazy but it was really funny while it lasted and involved me apologizing a LOT because I kept yelling at you. Anyway, I'm so, so happy to have met you too and though I think that all friendships should start so easily, it's sad that things don't go that way more often. Sometimes it's worth fighting through things to hang on to someone...and sometimes it's really not. And that's pretty much the story of the last few years for me.

[Brandy]

Hi!! I LOVE this!! I know I am guilty of that sometimes too - so the post from SchnozzFest really opened my eyes to how I act sometimes! I completely agree with you about having to walk on eggshells around friends. I definitely want to have the mindset that I take my friends as they are - that is my new mission! Can't wait to read your follow up on friend making strategy. :)

[Rachael]

What a great post.

[Helene Gaither]

I couldn't agree more with your post and I'm looking forward to your post tomorrow on making friends. It's hard as an adult to make friends for some reason. I also agree with you on not walking on eggshells anymore and not being who you are..that's so 9th grade anyway, isn't it? The good friends I do have are so real with me and I don't have to put up a front or try to impress them, which is a nice change of pace!

BTW, I made your pizza crust recipe last night for my family!!! OMG...it was YUM-O!! My kids, who are all very picky eaters, scarfed every bite down! Even my husband, who is the pickiest of picky eaters, loved it!! It's gonna be a regular recipe in our house!

[Sheryl]

Thanks for posting about this! Can't wait for your fail-proof strategy, and I completely agree about people who allow you to be yourself.

[Kathleen]

I love your ONE requirement!!! I am going to keep this in mind - both what I expect from friendships - and what kind of friend I want to be. THANK YOU for addressing this whole idea of friendships, it's something I have been struggling with for awhile now. And, I too, can't wait for the your fail-proof strategy.
As usual, awesome post!

[SK]

Dude, I share you sentiments exactly! I moved cities a year ago and am still having a hard time meeting a close friend. Part of it is due to the fact that I am only a few hours from home and run back there every chance I get. But since I moved I have started to befriend people I normally never would, as long as they're nice and don't beat they're kids I'll give I'll give em a go.

[Tanya]

What a great post, I couldn't agree more.

[serror]

This is so funny, because I was just thinking that you and my friend who live near one another would get along great. She has a boy just about Alex's age and he is just started a T-Ball team too! Also she has one about Genoa's age and a 3 month old. How funny would it be if the boys were on the same T-Ball team! :)

I agree with your friendship requirement though! How very true!

[Megan]

this is a bit of a random comment :) I tried your Parmesan Crusted Pork Tenderloin Chops recipe the other week! But, I used it with chicken instead, and it turned out very well! I was going to buy pork tenderloins, but they were SO expensive at the store. Thanks for the great recipe!

[jen zug]

Well, it sounds like I need to drive down there to see a new baby and have a cocktail with some friends!