Mandajuice

It’s been too long since I wrote an actual update, so here goes

Sean and I are officially separated, both legally and financially, and they are in the process of buying a condo in North Portland. Escrow closes at the end of the month. We’re both looking forward to this for many reasons, primarily because it will provide some excellent stability for Ever, but also because they’ve been staying with our friend, Stacy, (thank goddess for Stacy!) and there’s no room for Ever to sleep over there, so Sean hasn’t been able to do any overnights for more than six months. The new schedule starts on July 1st and Ever will be with Sean from Saturday night until Wednesday morning and with me the rest of the week. Basically 50/50. 

 

This is bittersweet. Holy hot damn do I look forward to finally being able to sleep in a few mornings a week, but I’m really going to miss her when she’s with them. I’m trying not to think too much about it. I’ve been here before with Alex and Genoa and I adapted, I know I can do it again. 

 

I plan to use my extra time to get back into a workout regiment. I’m 48. She’s FOUR. I’ve been coming to terms with the fact that I need this body to last me as long as possible and I need to stay in shape. I’m remiss to admit it, but I started taking Semaglutide (Ozempic) several months ago in anticipation, because I really want to start running again and my joints couldn’t take it at my higher weight. I lost 25 pounds in three months and I’m feeling lean enough to give it a go. I plan to start July 1st. 

 

[My feelings about these drugs are intense. I had many, many clients start using them and the more they shared with me, the more I wanted to try them. This medicine is a miracle, I’m not going to lie. It’s the first time in my life that the entire food center of my brain has shut down completely. Better than Phen Fen. Better than any diet I’ve ever been on. Better than gastric bypass surgery. You just don’t care about food. You’re never hungry. Every thought about what to eat/good foods vs bad foods/how much/when, etc just… vanishes. You’re never hungry. You literally don’t care what you eat. It’s not a diet. It’s just… easy. And when you do eat, you’re stuffed in 3-4 bites. 

 

I’ve been getting mine through a “research pharmacy” so I’m paying less than $150/month and self-administering my doses (with a needle in my belly once a week). I did have a terrible side effect though. When I got up to a 5ml dose, my skin HURT. BADLY. It was excruciating. I couldn’t even sleep my skin hurt so bad. The best way I can describe it is the way your genitals get very sensitive directly after an orgasm - like ouchie spicy. And my whole skin felt like that all the time. Reducing my dose fixed it and now that I’m on maintenance I’m only taking 1ml every few weeks so it isn’t an issue. My appetite is normal again and I haven’t gained any weight back. I swear, once they become financially accessible, these drugs are going to change millions of people’s lives. It was so frustrating to be completely body-positive, 100% anti-diet and to still want to reduce my weight so I could exercise without hurting my (incredibly fucked up and/or titanium) joints. This turned out to be the perfect solution.]

 

Anyway, I digress. 

 

The kids are doing well. Genoa just turned 18 (OHMYGAWD) and has a full time job at a car wash and it’s turned out to be a really fun job for her. She’s getting tan, hanging out with her friends, and paying her own bills. I love seeing her succeed. She seems very happy.

 

Alex’s job recently cut his hours, so that bruh owes me some back rent, but I understand it wasn’t his fault. He still needs to get his butt in gear and find a second job. Now that I’m on my own financially, I could really use the help. His girlfriend, Hannah, lives here too and is the most amazing tenant. 

 

I’m really enjoying having adult children. It might be my favorite parenting phase yet. 

 

We recently re-signed the lease for another year, which was a huge relief. Genoa had been begging for a cat and the owner agreed to let us have a second one (for $50/month!) So now we have the cutest little tuxedo kitten boy. He and Biscuit have only met under Genoa’s bedroom door. I’m hoping nobody gets injured when they finally both have free range. 

 

My best friend, Jamie, moved into my guest room a couple months ago and having her here has been amazing. I’ve decided I never want to live with a romantic partner again, but hot damn is it nice having her around. I think a big personality difference between Sean and I was that my propensity to bring home strays upset their need for peace and solitude. Neither of us was wrong, just different. I’ve always loved coming home to a full house. Now that it’s my house, I get to decide what that looks like without worrying I’m stepping on anyone’s toes. 

 

Living alone has been soul-shakingly satisfying for me. It’s basically like a drug, I’m just over here huffing on autonomy. 

 

My romantic relationships have also been stellar. Tony and I have de-escalated into friends who occasionally make out, a transition that was sweeter and easier than any “break up” I’ve ever been through. Nothing but mutual respect. Complete kindness.

 

Jenna and I have reached a new place too, a higher standard born out of wretchedly complete honesty. I *LOVE* Jenna, and I want her desperately, she is my ideal woman, but I’m sadly hetero-romantic, a discovery the two of us have had to make our peace with. It was rough for a while, but I feel like we’ve been setting a new standard together and it’s never been better. I feel closer to her than ever. BFFWB’s. I couldn’t ask for a better meta.

 

Two plus years later, Rob continues to be my heart throb. We just had the sweetest, most romantic stay at a tiny house airbnb in Victoria and I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to travel with zero conflict. Like, not even a minute of stress. We just.. get along. I’m

Not sure I had any idea relationships could be like this. And still be sexy af. 

 

He and Jenna have also gotten a lot closer over the last year and if I’m honest, at times that’s been hard for me. But polyamory requires a somewhat constant commitment to having faith that your partners aren’t going anywhere. And I’m continuously building up that muscle. I’d like to think I’m doing pretty well with it. The love I feel from both of them makes it all worthwhile. I wouldn’t have it any other way

2023: YEAR IN REVIEW

1. What did you do in 2023 that you’d never done before?

So many new experiences, but none of them are even remotely Facebookable. 

 

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Last year my goals were:

— Ask questions instead of making assumptions 

— Be gentle, but assertive 

I’d say I did a good job working on those this year, but I think I’ve been significantly more abrasive than gentle. Ending a marriage did not bring out the best in me, I’m ashamed to admit. 

 

Next year I’d like to work on some practical things, like getting in better shape (I mean stretching without having to make old lady noises, not weight loss), sticking to a budget, and taking better care of my physical health. Oh! And I want to get my septum pierced and my knuckles tattooed (Ever Wild). 

 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Sadly, no. 

 

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thankfully, no.

 

5. What countries did you visit?

Canada! Victoria was brilliant. 

 

6. What would you like to have in 2024 that you lacked in 2023?

Same as last year - an organized space to come home to. The new house will make this a much more achievable goal. I’m already there unless I manage to mess it up quickly. 

 

7. What dates from 2023 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

My birthday, for reasons both good and awful. That night was one of the best and worst days of my life. 

 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Allowing myself to choose me again. 

 

9. What was your biggest failure?

Same as last year: the house went to shit because I didn’t have the spoons to care about it. 

 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Fortunately not really. 

 

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I got my BEETLE back, baby!!

 

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Rob’s. He’s done a lot of work this year and I’m so proud to be his partner. 

 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

No one’s behavior besides my own has the ability to make me depressed anymore. But not gonna lie, Sean did an appalling thing or two that I will not be sharing. 

 

14. Where did most of your money go?

Concerts and travel. The house(s). 

 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Moving out into my own house. I didn’t know how much I needed it until we moved. 

 

16. What song will always remind you of 2023?

Anything by Red Hot Chili Peppers. 

 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? Happier? I guess?

 

b) thinner or fatter? Fatter. 
c) richer or poorer?  Poorer. By a lot. 

 

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Physical movement. I’m starting to feel my body age and I don’t like it. 

 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worrying and biting my nails. 

 

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Sean came over and we all opened presents. Sean stayed to build Ever’s giant new dollhouse. Then I made mac n cheese for my new partner, Kris. 

 

21. Did you fall in love in 2023?

Just ever more in love with Rob. 💕

 

22. What was your favorite tv show?

The two shows I’ve been working through lately are The Bear and Atlanta. 

 

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

This question baffles me. I don’t hate anybody.

 

24. What was the best book you read?

Sad admission: I haven’t had the time to finish a single book since Ever was born. 

 

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Still exploring EDM. 

 

26. What did you want and get?

Freedom. 

 

27. What did you want and not get?

A lasting marriage. 

 

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Did I even see a movie other than watching Frozen 400 times? 

 

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

We took the polycule to Vegas and I got to see Red Hot Chili Peppers from almost the front row. I turned 47. A lot of shit happened that weekend, but you can take RHCP from my cold dead memories. I love them so. 

 

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A therapist. 

 

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2022?

Chubby chic. (Same as last year)

 

32. What kept you sane?

Genoa. Honestly. I know we aren’t supposed to be “friends” with our kids, but I can’t think of anyone I know who gives me more honest answers when I’m brave enough to ask than my 17-year old. 

 

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Can’t think of one. 

 

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

I have not followed politics this year out of a sense of self-preservation. 

 

35. Who did you miss?

Christina. 

 

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Kris. 

 

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2023.

I’m never living with a partner again. I’ll be solo polyam from here on out, just me, my kids, and my cat(s). 

 

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

 

I’ll make it to the moon if I have to crawl…

Divorce Post #2

TLDR version: I’m down two partners, a triad, a house, and one of my oldest friends. It’s been a rough month. I keep trying to remind myself I’m the kind of person who gets her covid booster and her flu shot in the same arm at the same time because I’d rather it hurt all at once. It’s definitely all hurting at once. 

 

I realize this may (or may not?) come as a surprise after my last post, but Sean and I have mutually decided to end our marriage. We recently hit a major road block we couldn’t get past and it forced us both to reevaluate our relationship.  

 

I know people will think that polyamory is what broke us up, and I’ll be honest, our inability to handle a situation between our partners was the source of the final straw. But the truth is that if Sean and I hadn’t opened our relationship, we would’ve broken up a long time ago. If anything, polyamory gave us an additional three years together; it prolonged our marriage. We’re both sad we weren’t able to make it work, but polyamory helped us, it didn’t hurt us. 

 

We’ve agreed on everything, including 50/50 custody of Ever, and have decided to file for legal separation on our own and just hire an attorney to review and submit the paperwork for us. We may or may not technically get divorced, since neither of us really plans to ever marry again. 

 

The big challenge is we need to sell the house. Sean plans to buy a condo in Portland asap and I’ll move out and rent a house with my kids. (I need a much bigger house, so I won’t be in a position to buy again until interest rates come down). I want to stay as close to our current house as possible so Ever can go to school here. I also really love living so close to my shop. 

 

As if that wasn’t difficult enough, Jenna and I are no longer romantic partners. I don’t really want to get into it much except for to say that I take 100% responsibility for it; she was a fantastic partner who did absolutely nothing wrong. It just turns out that I’m mostly heteroromantic and that simply wasn’t fair to either of us, especially her. It’s very sad all the way around. 

 

That also means we lost the triad, so Rob has plenty to grieve too. It’ll be a long time before I can hang out with both of them at the same time without it hurting. I plan to avoid that for a while. (My relationship with Rob is solid. So is his relationship with Jenna. That was never in question). 

 

As for the old friend I lost… it’s funny because loyalty wouldn’t necessarily seem like something I’d focus on much, given that I don’t need it in the traditional sense when it comes to romantic relationships. But I do when it comes to friends. If after 12 years of friendship, you hear I’m going through a divorce, and you contact my soon-to-be-ex-spouse instead of me, that’s a hard limit. 

 

So that’s three relationship deaths in as many weeks, four if you count the triad as a separate relationship, which I do. Not to mention having to sell our beautiful house. My hot tub! 😩

 

It’s pretty much everything, everywhere all at once, only I don’t know kung fu. It’s been a rough few weeks, I’m not gonna lie. I loved(d) each of them in unique, individual ways. It’s been a huge loss, and that’s exactly how it feels. I’m doing okay mentally, but it’s really becoming difficult to get off the couch. Depression, even when obviously warranted, is still a bitch. 

Divorce Post #2

TLDR version: I’m down two partners, a triad, a house, and one of my oldest friends. It’s been a rough month. I keep trying to remind myself I’m the kind of person who gets her covid booster and her flu shot in the same arm at the same time because I’d rather it hurt all at once. It’s definitely all hurting at once. 

 

I realize this may (or may not?) come as a surprise after my last post, but Sean and I have mutually decided to end our marriage. We recently hit a major road block we couldn’t get past and it forced us both to reevaluate our relationship.  

 

I know people will think that polyamory is what broke us up, and I’ll be honest, our inability to handle a situation between our partners was the source of the final straw. But the truth is that if Sean and I hadn’t opened our relationship, we would’ve broken up a long time ago. If anything, polyamory gave us an additional three years together; it prolonged our marriage. We’re both sad we weren’t able to make it work, but polyamory helped us, it didn’t hurt us. 

 

We’ve agreed on everything, including 50/50 custody of Ever, and have decided to file for legal separation on our own and just hire an attorney to review and submit the paperwork for us. We may or may not technically get divorced, since neither of us really plans to ever marry again. 

 

The big challenge is we need to sell the house. Sean plans to buy a condo in Portland asap and I’ll move out and rent a house with my kids. (I need a much bigger house, so I won’t be in a position to buy again until interest rates come down). I want to stay as close to our current house as possible so Ever can go to school here. I also really love living so close to my shop. 

 

As if that wasn’t difficult enough, Jenna and I are no longer romantic partners. I don’t really want to get into it much except for to say that I take 100% responsibility for it; she was a fantastic partner who did absolutely nothing wrong. It just turns out that I’m mostly heteroromantic and that simply wasn’t fair to either of us, especially her. It’s very sad all the way around. 

 

That also means we lost the triad, so Rob has plenty to grieve too. It’ll be a long time before I can hang out with both of them at the same time without it hurting. I plan to avoid that for a while. (My relationship with Rob is solid. So is his relationship with Jenna. That was never in question). 

 

As for the old friend I lost… it’s funny because loyalty wouldn’t necessarily seem like something I’d focus on much, given that I don’t need it in the traditional sense when it comes to romantic relationships. But I do when it comes to friends. If after 12 years of friendship, you hear I’m going through a divorce, and you contact my soon-to-be-ex-spouse instead of me, that’s a hard limit. 

 

So that’s three relationship deaths in as many weeks, four if you count the triad as a separate relationship, which I do. Not to mention having to sell our beautiful house. My hot tub! 😩

 

It’s pretty much everything, everywhere all at once, only I don’t know kung fu. It’s been a rough few weeks, I’m not gonna lie. I loved(d) each of them in unique, individual ways. It’s been a huge loss, and that’s exactly how it feels. I’m doing okay mentally, but it’s really becoming difficult to get off the couch. Depression, even when obviously warranted, is still a bitch. 

Catching Up

TLDR: kids are good, polyamory is the hardest best thing, my aging body can go fuck itself, I moved into my own bedroom, Sean has a new creative gig. 

 

As I’m writing this, I can hear “I fooled around and fell in love” playing on Alex‘s computer upstairs and I realize how long it’s been since I’ve written anything at all, much less about my kids.

 

All three are doing great in their own ways. Alex is about to turn 20, and as usual I’m having feelings about how my big-haired baby boy is fully and completely a man now. I jokingly call him my man child and sometimes with good reason. I tease him and his friends a lot because they’ve all been hanging out at my house since they were 12 and the activities they do together have not changed at all since they were 12. They shoot bb guns (in my backyard, which I’m not a fan of, stupid bb’s everywhere). They play with RC cars and make tracks in the dirt (also in my backyard). They play video games. The only new additions are that now they play with their own cars (which is why my garage is such a disaster zone), and they smoke a lot of weed while they’re doing all of these things. Which now that I think about it, I’m sure isn’t much different at all from when they were 12.

 

He’s doing great. He’s working full time at a job he enjoys. He’s obsessing about his future plan of starting his own business doing electrical wiring for cars. And he’s happily partnered with Hannah, who he’s been with for almost two years. It’s a remarkably healthy relationship. They share a cat, but they don’t even want to live together yet! 

 

Genoa is doing well in ways that most parents would see as laziness or rebellion, but that I embrace with full joy and enthusiasm. You want to party and hang out with your friends all the time? THANK GOD. After how anxious this kid was growing up, watching her thrive with her friend group and take risks that put her out of her comfort zone just thrills me. She’s acting like a normal teenager and I personally don’t get upset or punish my kids when they do the EXACT SAME SHIT we all did as teenagers. Her OCD has never been better. I love her friends. I don’t love that she isn’t working or going to school, but she watches Ever many many hours a week for us. It’s a huge contribution and their relationship is adorable to witness. Ever loves her big sissy. I’m confident Genoa will get her shit together soon. She always does.

 

Ever is a delight, most of the time. She still dances and sings and pretends her way through life, and could not be more of a joy. She’s into princesses, dressing up, playing dolls, and poop jokes. She makes friends with every kid who crosses her path. And she loves her babysitter more than anyone on earth. Every morning she opens her iPad and tells me what day of the week it is. “It’s Tuesday! That’s a Cecillie day!” She also tells me it’s partly cloudy and 63 degrees. The other day she opened the compass on the weather app and accurately told me where north, south, east, and west are. She’s way too smart already. She’s also HUGE! 48 pounds and 40” tall. It’s getting hard to lift her, which makes both of us sad. 

 

We’re also starting in with some of the annoying 3-4-year old behaviors like the constant CONSTANT repetition of the same question and the never ending narration that must be validated at all times. She’s still not potty trained, but she can totally read. Just not if you ask her to. To guess that this child—mine and Sean’s—might be neurodivergent would not be a stretch of any imagination. We’re excited to keep learning how she’s wired. Let’s just say this apple didn’t fall far from the tree, so we’re well prepared. 

 

I’m doing well, mostly. For a while I thought there was a problem with my titanium hip because it’s been acting like a real asshole. I finally realized I have sciatica. On both sides. It really only bugs me when I’m trying to sleep, but it shoots down my leg into my shin and it’s a total bitch. I recently went to Bass Canyon, a three-day music festival in the Gorge with Rob and Jenna (and seven of our closest friends). It was the most fun I might’ve ever had in my life and I ended up walking 50,000 steps over the weekend, probably half of which was dancing. I expected to pay for it physically, but aside from the usual difficulty I have sleeping, I did amazingly well. I was the oldest member of our group and I easily kept up. Can’t wait for next year. 

 

Polyamory continues to delight and distress me. It will never be an easy lifestyle, and that might be one of the reasons I prefer it. It challenges me constantly, in ways that force me to really self-evaluate and accept what I can and can’t change about myself as a person. I grow *daily* because of it. And growth is never comfortable. I don’t think it should be.

 

I’m also in a triad now. Not with Sean, but with Rob and Jenna. None of us live together, but we’re all madly in love with each other, so it’s mostly just a big giant love puddle. It’s also the most difficult relationship structure one can possibly attempt. Sometimes being with two people at once makes you feel triply connected in ways that astonish you; sometimes you feel like the left out little sister; often it’s both at the same time. And then you have the added complication of worrying how your two partner’s relationship is doing. What/how/why/when/where do you get involved in conflict between them or them between yours? How do you help them if they seem disconnected or if you feel disconnected from one or both of them? It’s a real clusterfuck of emotions, I’m not gonna lie. This is not relationship 101, it’s advanced relationship calculus, PhD level shit. (I mention this not to toot my own horn, but because way too many people START polyamory by seeking a triad and triads are just NOT for beginners. They’re fucking HARD.) 

 

But if anyone can learn to do it, I feel confident in the three of us. There’s so much love and affection and chemistry and communication that I think we’re gonna continue to thrive. One thing that helps tremendously is that we mostly maintain independent relationships. I see Jenna and Rob alone more often than I see them together. I’m pretty sure that’s the key to unlock the whole thing. I’m in three relationships with them, not one. 

 

I also recently moved in to my own bedroom. Jenna came over and helped me empty out our guest room/office and I officially moved in. There were lots of reasons for this move. Sean and I stopped sleeping in the same bed at least six months ago. We bought a fancy new bed with an adjustable base and it turned out to be trying to murder me in my sleep. The 10-year old IKEA mattress in our guest room has been my happy sleeping space for a long time now. My back agrees. (And I need my back for work!)

 

But my house, you guys. Between teenagers and a toddler, NO SURFACE IS SAFE. It’s a constant mess, a literal clutterfuck and my mental health prefers clean, clear spaces. That’s what works best for my adhd. 

 

I’m never going to get that in my house. Not any time soon at least. Sean would love to be better organized but between two jobs, they just CAN’T. And I seriously started fantasizing about getting my own apartment just to escape the reality of the mess. There was no sanctuary for me. No space where I felt at peace in my own home.

 

So I moved into the guest room. It’s not the biggest, and I’m sharing a bathroom with my kids, but it has built-in cabinets and a sliding glass door that leads straight to the hot tub. When we finally get it fixed (the pond has a massive leak), I’ll be able to fall asleep to the sound of our waterfall every night. 

 

Sean and I are still quite happily married. I know a lot of people assume problems at home when relationships open up or when married people have separate bedrooms, but that’s not the case with us. I love and appreciate them more than ever, even if I barely get to see them. We’re definitely in an absence-makes-the-heart-grow-fonder stage. Our work schedules don’t overlap at all Monday-Thursday, so we only ever get to cross paths on the weekends. Sean has three partners besides me and three days off, so our alone time together is limited in ways we all despise. They start a new schedule in October and we’re excited to get to see each other more. 

 

They recently took several weeks off for long covid and even though they felt like shit, I relished the extra time we had together. We had time to eat dinner together, put the baby to bed, watch a few shows, and be intimate. You know, like normal couples?! I’m sure their other partners will be just as stoked with their new schedule. One night a week hasn’t been enough for any of us. 

 

An added but happy complication is that Sean has started a new creative endeavor. They converted my walk-in closet into a recording studio and they’ve been narrating audio books! It’s going very well. In the first two weeks they put out auditions, they booked five book contracts!! I’ll start linking to them as they go live! I could not be prouder of them for pursuing this dream while also working a truly traumatic job from 2-midnight every day. Regardless of the intensity of my other relationships, Sean will always be my home base. Even writing that makes me miss them so much.

 

As always, life is bitter and sweet. All the biggest feelings, all at once. 

2022: YEAR IN REVIEW

 

1. What did you do in 2022 that you’d never done before?

So many new experiences, but none of them are even remotely Facebookable. 

 

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Last year my goals were:

— Be supportive, not insecure

— Work on sitting with negative emotions instead of acting on them.

This year I’m going to continue working on both of those, but add a couple:

— Ask questions instead of making assumptions 

— Be gentle, but assertive 

 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes! Christina had the most beautiful baby girl! She’s gonna be the closest thing Ever has to a sister her age. 

 

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thankfully, no.

 

5. What countries did you visit?

Mexico! Twice. 

 

6. What would you like to have in 2023 that you lacked in 2022?

An organized space to come home to. 

 

7. What dates from 2022 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

March 10 - my first date with Rob. 

 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Finding a balance between my individual self and my mom self. 

 

9. What was your biggest failure?

The house went to shit because I was too busy having fun to care about it. 

 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

We definitely caught Covid, but we all survived it unscathed. 

 

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A *new* counter top ice maker. This one makes Sonic ice! 

 

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Sean’s. As usual. He is considerate in ways I don’t feel I deserve. 

 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

No one’s behavior besides my own has the ability to make me appalled or depressed anymore. 

 

14. Where did most of your money go?

Concerts and travel!

 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Concerts, travel, hosting parties again, dating, meeting new people and helping fostering connections. 

 

16. What song will always remind you of 2022?

No Love by Summer Walker & SZA

 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? Happier 

b) thinner or fatter? Thinner? Maybe?
c) richer or poorer?  Poorer. But only because of our fun spending. 

 

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Home maintenance, cleaning, organizing, making my space feel better. I’m taking two days off in February to clean the garage and do some organizing.  

 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worrying about the mess. 

 

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Christmas started with kiddos and an excited three-year old and ended with hosting my favorite peeps in the hot tub. 

 

21. Did you fall in love in 2022?

Madly! 

 

22. What was your favorite tv show?

I didn’t watch enough tv go have a favorite show. 

 

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

This question baffles me. I don’t hate anybody.

 

24. What was the best book you read?

Sad admission: I haven’t had the time to finish a single book since Ever was born. 

 

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

EDM. We’re seeing Subtronics tonight! 

 

26. What did you want and get?

A boyfriend. 

 

27. What did you want and not get?

Another one. 😜

 

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Did I even see a movie other than watching Moana 400 times? 

 

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

We got an overnight babysitter and Sean rented a house in Portland. We ate tasty vegan food, went to the strip club, and then hot tubbed all night with some of our very favorite friends/lovers. I’ll never forget turning 46.

 

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A personal organizer.

 

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2022?

Chubby chic

 

32. What kept you sane?

Sean. (And our therapist.)

 

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Lizzo continues to save lives. 

 

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

The election. 

 

35. Who did you miss?

Erin. 

 

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Definitely Rob. 

 

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2022.

Patience is a virtue, especially with myself. 

 

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

PARTY ALL AROUND THE WORLD

PARTY ALL AROUND THE WORLD

-Lol Surprise

Alex is 18 today

And I am beside myself. 

 

Alex was the reason I first started blogging. I had been writing about him long before he was even conceived, but I didn’t start publishing my love affair with him until he was 11-months old. I wrote the following that first month, 17 years ago, about being in the bath tub with him and him being startled by me turning on the faucet:

 

“As a soggy, scared little Alex jumped into my naked lap last night, I vividly remembered that holding him for the first time was the single best moment of my entire life.”

 

It’s still the best moment of my life. Even 18 years later. The absolute *highlight* of a not uneventful life. Alex made me a mother. More importantly, Alex is the first person I have ever truly *LOVED.*

 

About a week after he was born, I was upstairs in his bedroom holding him and swaying to love songs when something happened to my body. I will never forget it. A voracious hole somehow opened up in my chest. That’s the best way I can describe it. I wasn’t as in touch with my feelings or my body then, but I still knew it was different and more intense than anything I’d ever felt before. It was joy, yes, but so much all at once that it was physical painful. An ache. A dangerous, dangerous ache. I couldn’t stop sobbing. I knew in that moment I would cease to exist if anything ever happened to him. And I had never felt anything like that before. 

 

Alex was my first true love. 

 

(Genoa was my second.)

 

(Sean was my 6th and Ever was my 7th.)

 

I don’t get to write about him much anymore, because he’s been a full grown man for a while now, and I don’t want to violate his privacy, but I’m going to blog about him for a minute like I used to, for old time’s sake…

 

On Saturday Alex got his driver’s license. He drove me and his baby sister to his 8:30 appointment in Camas, which was literally across the street from the park where he (and his sister) first learned to ride a bike. I figured I’d keep Ever busy at the park while he took his driving test, but after less than ten minutes he huffed back over to us having failed his first attempt. The first turn of the driving test involved a flashing yellow arrow, which turned red on him after he was already in the intersection. Instant fail. Not his fault.

 

I can’t remember ever seeing him so devastated. It broke my heart. He was on the verge of either tears or breaking something, maybe both. I desperately wanted to hug him, but I knew it would make him cry and that probably wasn’t what he wanted. (In hindsight I definitely should have asked).

 

They gave him an appointment to retest later on the same day. We practiced driving for the rest of the entire morning and he passed his test with an 88% that afternoon. He’s actually a really good driver. We were both incredibly relieved that he passed on his second attempt. (And the teacher told him that that flashing yellow arrow had failed many a good driver before him).

 

Covid was not good for Alex. Like me, a social creature by nature, being isolated was devastating. He went through a rough break up with his first love, Mariah, after two years together. It was brutal. He was so depressed he stopped eating and lost FIFTY pounds. FIVE ZERO. I was so worried. I connected him with my therapist, who helped, but they only got so far. 

 

When his junior year was supposed to start online last year, he went the first two weeks without logging in once. I encouraged him to drop out and take the GED instead, which he’s still studying for. We recently had a conversation where I proffered that the only reason he ever went to high school was to see his friends, and he was, like, “MOM. The only reason I went to high school was to SKIP high school.”

 

Then he got his first job and it changed EVERYTHING. I asked him a week after he started at Wendy’s how his depression was doing and he was, like, it’s GONE. Like mother like son indeed. Work has always been my go-to salve and I wasn’t surprised it was instantly his too. 

 

Fast forward to a couple months later when Sean, who had always been worried about Alex because of how difficult school had been for him, approached me and said, “Alex has done so well with having a job, I think we should buy him a car.” He said “we,” but I had almost zero participation in the entire process. Alex had started asking me about car buying stuff and financing and I was, like, you should totally just talk to Sean about that because I have no clue. Sean is the car guy in our relationship. He’s also the money guy.

 

So they connected. They spent weeks driving everywhere looking at cars. They took two full-day trips to Seattle to test drive with a baby in the back seat. They ended up finding him a red Hyundai Genesis for a great price and it all worked out. (Alex’s birth father had opted out of materially participating in the process whatsoever. He required a 3.5 grade point average in order to help with a car purchase, and Alex had long since dropped out.) We only wanted to see Alex succeed. He’s working as many hours as Papa Murphy’s will give him and paying us the loan payment for his car now, plus his own insurance (over $700/month), and he is fully motivated and very reliable. Responsibility for things he actually wants comes naturally to him. 

 

I can’t begin to express how proud I am of my boy. Which is a silly thing to call him because he’s 100% a man now. He has been for a while. Part of that has come from the hard knocks my own personal choices have dealt him, but most of it is just his naturally endless resiliency. His fierce independence. His *remarkable* emotional intelligence. Alex might not be much of an academic, but he’s smart as hell. In the eight years we’ve been playing it, I have never once beat him at Cards Against Humanity. He’s a social creature who reads people instantly. He is wise way too far beyond his years. 

 

(He also just got home with a hickey on his neck from a girl he just met on Snapchat.)

 

(Insert something about apples and trees.)

 

I have never had to worry about Alex. Whatever life choices he makes, just being himself, just being who he’s been since the day he was born, will bring him success. He’s the most brilliant, reflective man. And I’m not just saying that because he was my first true love. 

Abilify

About a month ago I went to refill my prescriptions, and I hate how complicated this is, but I’ve been on the same meds for more than two years, so my psychiatrist referred me back to my GP for maintenance and I’ve never met that doctor before, so they needed an appointment before filling my prescriptions. Is this sounding familiar? This giant PITA? I was finally able to get them refilled and then when I went to the pharmacy, my Wellbutrin prescription had been filled double, and my Abilify was missing.

 

I’m not sure what the heck is going on, but I have never been this busy in January. I’ve had a waiting list for over 10 days. Normally my schedule in January is that I do a wax, go home and drink a cup of coffee, go back and do another wax, go home and sit in the hot tub for an hour, and go back to work. It’s never busy. So I was totally unprepared for this and it kind of just slipped my mind. I kept taking my Wellbutrin like a good girl, but the Abilify prescription never came through and I kept forgetting to call my doctor (the one I’ve never met) to resolve it.

 

So I’ve been off my Abilify for about a month now. At first, yes, there was a headache. But I was taking a very small dose and I felt better within a week.

 

Better is an understatement.

 

Yes, there’s a lot of other stuff going on in my life right now that could be lifting my mood. (Abilify is a mood stabilizer). Sean and I are going through a relationship renaissance, which I can only describe as the honeymoon phase, only you’ve had five more years to fall in love with each other that much more. It’s ridiculous and disgusting and so fucking deserved after everything we had both been through before meeting each other.

 

And we got to make this magical human together. So there’s so much joy. Which is intoxicating. (How is this my life?)

 

But since I went off that med, I started catching myself dancing randomly with the baby in the kitchen. After a year of stupid TV shows as constant background noise, I can’t stop listening to music. I try really hard to listen to my kids’ playlists because it makes me feel like I’m in touch and if anyone needs to stay young, it’s me.  Also, not gonna lie, they both have impeccable taste. (Cough cough) Genoa recently sang all the way through Today is a Good Day followed immediately by Regulators because she learned them from her BROTHER’s most popular Spotify playlist  (which has 1600 followers!). 

 

I’m dancing again. I’m NOT a dancer. I just haven’t felt this much like myself in years. Ever since Covid, I felt like I was struggling to connect with my clients. Making conversation felt a little bit like work to me. Which is the strangest thing ever for an extrovert to feel. I just had nothing to say. I felt weirdly neutral, even when intellectually I didn’t feel that way. That feeling is gone. My personality feels like it’s been resurrected from the dead. I’m laughing more. Questioning myself less. Leaning in. I don’t think I’ve been even the slightest butch bitchy. 

 

I’m pretty sure the Abilify was very helpful (and 100% safe) when I was pregnant. It evened me out when I might’ve otherwise been a hormonal nightmare. But I’m beginning to think I might not need it anymore. Of course, I could be headed for some kind of horrible crash that I can’t possibly anticipate. But I honestly haven’t felt this good in years.

 

For now, I’ll take it. 

 

I recently found an old diary that I used to keep privately online almost 20 years ago. That Amanda was so fucking miserable. In every way. She deserved so much better, but she never could have imagined this Amanda’s reality. This much happiness was inconceivable to that poor girl. I wish I could just pat her on the head and tell her she has no idea how much better it’s going to get. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

YEAR END 2020

1. What did you do in 2020 that you’d never done before?

The biggest thing was I went almost three months without working, which I don’t think I’ve done since maybe 1990? It was difficult and illuminating and I learned that way too much of my self-worth is tied to hard work and capitalistic achievement. It’s something I need to work on. 

 

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Nope, not last year. I am making a couple this year though: 

— Be supportive, not insecure. 

— Work on sitting with negative emotions instead of acting on them.

 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes! A bunch of clients and Alana!

 

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Only 340,000 Americans. 

 

5. What countries did you visit?

This one. 

 

6. What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020?

PARTIES. CONCERTS. VACATIONS. DATES. 

 

7. What dates from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Probably Friday March 13th. It was my brother’s birthday and the last normal day of the year.

 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Staying afloat. 

 

9. What was your biggest failure?

The house went to shit because of my lack of emotional resources. 

 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nope. Lucky us. 

 

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A counter top ice maker. 

 

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Sean’s. What a trooper. The MOMENT the shop got shut down he went into savior mode and started working mass quantities of over time so we’d be okay. Among many other things. 

 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

The President

 

14. Where did most of your money go?

Bills and groceries. So many groceries. 

 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

The baby. 

 

16. What song will always remind you of 2020?

WAP

 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? Sadder

b) thinner or fatter? Same, I think?
c) richer or poorer?  Poorer. But we’re doing ok. 

 

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Home maintenance, cleaning, organizing, making my space feel better. I feel like I’m not allowed to do anything fun until the house is in order. 

 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worrying about the mess. 

 

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Christmas started with snuggles and ended with three happy kids. 

 

21. Did you fall in love in 2020?

Yeah, I’d say I fell in love with Sean all over again this year. We were one of the lucky couples for whom quarantine really kicked up our romance. I don’t think we’ve been this physically connected since when we first met. Be still my heart!

 

22. What was your favorite tv show?

Schitt’s Creek. I’ve watched the whole thing twice and now I’m rewatching it with Sean. 

 

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

This question baffles me. I don’t hate anybody.

 

24. What was the best book you read?

What is this reading thing you speak of? I’m either with a baby, with a client, or it’s after 8 o’clock at night and I am too exhausted. I haven’t had any time to read this year and it breaks my heart.

 

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Megan Thee Stallion

 

26. What did you want and get?

A new president. 

 

27. What did you want and not get?

A sane national quarantine strategy that would’ve saved lives. 

 

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Hard to have a favorite when I haven’t been to a single movie all year. 

 

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

We ate well and drank champagne. At home.  I turned 44.

 

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

National leadership that actually cared about people dying. 

 

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020?

First official work uniform. Otherwise, three different sets of jammies, on repeat. No bra.

 

32. What kept you sane?

My kids. 

 

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Lizzo’s Instagram feed brought me life. 

 

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

The election. 

 

35. Who did you miss?

EVERYONE. 

 

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Rebec. 

 

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2020.

Take NOTHING for granted. Literally nothing. 

 

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

 CLAP CLAP IT’S THE LETTER OF THE DAY

 CLAP CLAP IT’S THE LETTER OF THE DAY

I’m not gonna lie, I’m definitely feeling some depression these last few weeks.

Am I the only one a little bummed that the election results didn’t provide a more lasting sense of joy? I mean, after the several days of torturous waiting, it was nice to see that our guy won, but the process itself was less satisfying than I had expected and didn’t provide quite the boost to my mental health that I had hoped for. Like, now that it’s (mostly?!) over, it just feels kinda anticlimactic. 

 

Then my kids went to Idaho with their dad for Thanksgiving. I was against the idea. I mean, IDAHO? Where masks aren’t even required? But the divorce decree says he gets them for thanksgiving and I couldn’t convince him not to go. The virus is “overblown” he thinks. So now that the kids are back (they had a grand time eating steak and driving cars and chasing dogs on their cousin’s 60 acre property), we’re making them quarantine in their rooms and we’re all wearing masks in the house for ten days. Well, seven after today’s CDC update. It suuuuucks. I feel like I can’t talk to them for long or really hang out much. They can’t hold their baby sister. The whole family just feels very weird, and, well, *distanced.*

 

I’m also just feeling the virus closing in. Too many people way too close to us have been sick. One of our business partners even got exposed and had to quarantine (she’s fine and testing negative, but still). Soooo many clients are canceling their appointments because of exposure, or quarantine, and some have actually even had COVID to varying degrees of severity. It’s scary. 

 

I’m just so sick of it. One of my favorite clients arrived today and automatically went in for the hug and I had to, like, *stop* her, and it just broke my heart. She’s giving birth in two days and I couldn’t give her a hug. I’ve barely seen my friends in over a year. Some of them never even got to meet Ever before everything went to shit. I’m so bored and my poor extroverted heart is lonely. I miss crowds and shows and holding my husband’s hand across a dinner table on a date. 

 

(Also my seasonal affective disorder is clearly kicking in now that it’s dark all the time so bear with me.)

 

Fortunately I’m not having any severe or worrying thoughts. Mentally I’m actually doing okay. I’m not sad. This is more of a physical manifestation of depression. I have NO energy. I have to sit down between clients. When Ever takes her naps, I usually lay down, even when I’ve had a good night’s sleep. I know I need to put up the Christmas tree, but the idea of a task that large sounds overwhelming to me. It’s that kind of functional depression where you’re able to keep up with most of your daily functions, you’re just constantly exhausted. I don’t share this to wallow, it’s more that I think you’ll probably relate. And I’m sorry if you do, I really am. 

 

I hate to do that thing where I talk about a bunch of sad stuff and then end on a happy note, but the baby is such a happy note. Ever is starting to walk, and the way she pads her little feet on the floor like she isn’t quite sure if they’ll work yet, is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. I can’t believe she’s walking. She’s learned her first command, too, the word UP, and she means it! She still wants to REE BUH (read a book) all day long and it just warms the cockles that she’s a book nerd like her daddy. 

 

Yesterday Sean had to take his car in for a warranty replacement and even though he made an appointment, it took three hours, and he had the baby there with him the entire time in the waiting room. She didn’t even fuss once, he said. That’s how desperate even she is to be part of the world right now. I can’t imagine how sick she must be of staying in the same rooms, behind the same gates, in the same house, every single day. By the time my older kids were this age, they were in swimming lessons and gym classes and getting to meet other babies every week. Ever only gets to come to the store occasionally with me and I keep her in the Bjorn the whole time and even then she has to smile and wave at everyone who looks her way. She loves people. She’s an extrovert like her mama and I’m a little sad she doesn’t get more people time. But this is gonna be a weird developmental year for literally all children, not just mine. Again, I’m guessing you can relate.