Gastric Bypass Surgery, Part 9 of [Many]

On Food:

Two weeks ago, I had some ground beef in the freezer and decided the weather was perfect for making a pot of chili.  So I did.  And it was good.  And I literally ate three bowls of chili every day until it was gone.  I would wake up, eat my normal breakfast and then by around 10:00, I'd be starving again and make myself a bowl of chili.

And then I'd have another one for lunch.  And another one either for dinner or as an after dinner/pre-bedtime snack.  Sometimes both.

Finally I ran out of chili and had to put it on the menu again.  I made an even more obscenely-sized pot the second time around and just finished the last of it last night. 

A serving of chili for me consists of about 1.5 cups of chili with about a quarter cup of cold sour cream.  It's rich, but healthy and I cook the (extra lean) meat separately and drain the fat and always add about a half dozen shredded carrots to the pot with the onions, so it has some veggies in it.

Anyway, now I'm done with chili until next year.  I don't even want to LOOK at chili.  And this is my regular food pattern.  I get a craving for something, I act on it, I eat it until I'm sick to death of it and then I shelve it for a while.  The only food I consistently crave is my morning oatmeal; it's been my breakfast of choice for over five years.  (I make one packet drowned in milk, cook it for a minute and then dump another dry packet on top of it.  I can't finish the bowl without getting sick (so I never finish it), but this is what I eat every. single. day.)

The best thing about having weight loss surgery is the most unexpected thing and the thing I think MOST post-ops get bass-ackwards: I DON'T WATCH WHAT I EAT.  I don't pay attention.  I don't count calories and I never EVER restrict myself.

I eat WHATEVER I WANT, WHENEVER I WANT IT. 

I will never go on another diet again for the rest of my life.

And here's the thing: THIS WORKS ridiculously well.  If you ask people who are naturally thin (like Gwyneth Paltrow, who LOVES to eat, but stays thin), this is also how they eat.  NOT restricting yourself is the key.  Eating until you're full, and not one single bite more, is the way to maintain your weight.  My diet is mostly junk.  I love junk food.  I'm addicted to junk food and I eat it every day.  But I only eat it in moderation and I ALSO eat plenty of good stuff, including a delicious, all-natural homemade dinner almost every night (see my sidebar). 

So my diet is FAR from perfect, but it works for me. 

Halloween is a perfect illustration of the way the surgery has worked for me.  I LOVE candy.  I eat it every day.  Normally, though, I'll eat maybe one or two pieces and then I'm done.  I stop.  I just... don't want any more.  I think this MIGHT be how "normal" people feel about candy.  They like it and they eat it in moderation and then they stop thinking about it. 

Obese people?  HELL TO THE NO.  When I was heavy and there was candy in the house, I would eat it until it was gone.  And if I wasn't eating it? I was THINKING about eating it.  It was THERE and I knew it and I would spend days, natch, WEEKS punishing myself over my inability to control myself.  I never EVER felt full and as soon as the candy was gone, I would just buy more.  I felt much the same way about cheeseburgers.  And Hagen-Daas.  And everything else.

The best part of having gastric bypass surgery and why I think it works so much better than dieting is that, if you're doing it right, you lose that internal dialogue.  The one that distinguishes between what you "should" be eating and what you WANT to eat.  I have these vivid memories of walking into a restaurant when I was heavy and reading the menu and REALLY REALLY wanting something "bad" like a cheeseburger or the fettuccine Alfredo, but also seeing that they had healthier choices that I "should" eat and feeling like being fat was always LOSE-LOSE.  You lose if you eat what you WANT and you lose if you eat what you SHOULD.

Now WANT and SHOULD are completely the same for me and that battle is over, literally for the rest of my life.  I order what I want and I naturally eat the amount of it that I should.  WIN-WIN.

On my body:

The big caveat to everything I just wrote is acceptance.  BODY acceptance.  This is the hardest part for most post-ops. 

After I had Alex, I got back to my starting weight within a week and then I continued to lose weight.  My lowest-ever post-gastric-bypass surgery weight was 165 pounds.  I was a perfect size ten and it was lovely.  I was also only that weight for about three weeks, during which time I was a) nursing b) insanely busy and c) painting our condo from top to bottom for 7 hours a day, every day of the week (I took two weeks paid vacation to do it and my mom continued to watch Alex for me).  It was hard to eat during that time because the condo was empty (we hadn't moved in yet) and my hands were always all painty.

I even remember my thinnest day: the day I qualified for life insurance.  I weighed 165 pounds when I stepped on the scale with all my clothes on.  It was awesome.

But then we moved in and I started to cook more again and by the time Alex was a year old, I stopped pumping breast milk and even though I was still nursing him, my milk production probably dropped by half and I started to gain weight again.  By the time Alex was 18 months old, I had gained 20 pounds and weighed 185 pounds.  A lot of that was stress weight I had from quitting my job and my entire life changing so drastically.

But as far as post-ops go, it was TOTALLY NORMAL.

Of course at the time I thought it was the end of the world.  But I STILL didn't want to diet.  I mostly just cut out my See's Candy addiction for a few months and managed to get back down to about 178 pounds. 

Then it was time for us to start trying to get pregnant again and I had Genoa.  I think I gained around 40 pounds with her pregnancy (none of which happened in the first trimester).  It took me several months to lose the weight again, but I'm back to my pre-pregnancy size and have been for over two years.

I weigh 180 pounds.

Now, to a THIN person that probably sounds IMMENSE.  I'm 5'7" and it's still a lot to weigh.  It's a man weight, not a girl weight.  But let me remind you what I USED TO weigh: 309 pounds.  To an obese person?  Anything under 200 pounds is the fricking HOLY GRAIL of weight loss.  I might as well be wearing a size 2.

Of course, I'm NOT in a size two.  I'm a happy size 12/14.  My body is far from perfect.  Far.  It's even a far cry from my lowest weight of 165 pounds, but still, I LOVE IT.

Let me repeat that for the people in the back: I LOVE my 180-pound size 14 body.  LOVE. IT.

I get to eat whatever I want at this weight and I'm not sure if you've noticed a theme here or not, but I?  LOVE TO EAT.  I will happily stay a size 14 for the rest of my days if it means I can nosh on mini snickers and eat four bowls of chili with sour cream every day and not have to worry about it.  The truth is that I don't want the HASSLE of being any thinner than I am.

I am happy just how I am.

I won the biggest battle I've ever had with myself.

But again, not all post-ops have this attitude.  They think they're still fat.  They diet (oh god do they diet!), but it rarely works and they end up right back on the train they were on before surgery.  The guilt/remorse/emotional eating train that leads right back to being fat again. 

If you take one thing from the thousands of words I've written on this subject, take this: Dieting DOES NOT WORK. 

Yes, I had to have major surgery to fix my over-eating, but it was the best thing I ever did for myself.  It was a CHOICE.  Just like a diet, it took WORK and energy and commitment.  It was dangerous and risky and definitely NOT the easy way out.  It took balls.  I know plenty of morbidly obese people who desperately want to lose weight, but will never take the steps to get surgery, even though it would work for them.  It would help them lead healthier, happier, more fulfilled LONGER lives.  But they are afraid.  And for the most part, I'm not talking about your run-of-the-mill fear of death or needles or the hospital.  I'm talking about fear of success.  Fear of failure.  Fear of finally finding out what it's like to not have a crutch anymore.

Having gastric bypass surgery was the best decision I ever made.

Comments

[kristine]

Awesome post, as always. I'm a firm believer that our bodies have a set weight that they are happy with. It tends to be more that what we may want to weigh. It a weight that your body works it's best at,normal cycles, enough energy to keep up w/ kids & to fight off illness. It's also a weight that our body can maintain w/ very lil extra effort.It sounds like 180 is yours & you look great. Posting your height & weight is honest & beautiful!

[Janssen]

What a fantastic, lovely post. You look fabulous.

[Rachel]

That kind of self-acceptance is what I'm striving for (I'm six months out and 90lbs down - so far!).

Amazing post :D

[Kelly from Almost Frugal]

And the thing is Amanda, you look great. What always strikes me first about your pictures is that you look happy and self assured. Which is fantastic.

I'm just wondering however, if you feel like you could have gotten to the place where you are now about food (eating what you want, as much as you want and not another bite more) without surgery? I think it's an issue that so many (women particularly) struggle with, but it's a nice place to be in once you get there.

For me it took moving to France; accepting that I was never going to look like a French woman freed me from the constraints of body hatred. And I don't own a scale now, and eat a bunch more fresh veggies. It also helps that all my favorite junk food is across the Atlantic, but I feel so much better about my body here.

Has anybody else reached this holy grail of body acceptance?

[Sara]

No crap - you SHOULD LOVE your body because you DO look awesome. I think you are the only person I "know" that really accepts her body.

[Ali]

And you look fabulous! I'm so happy for you.

[Must be Motherhood]

Having extricated yourself from the evil internal food-obsessed voice must be bliss. I'm not obese, and I don't have any physical sense of insatiability, but man, that evil good food/bad food/i want more conversation has been eating at my soul for at least 15 years now. Very glad you kicked it to the curb!

[mm]

Dare I say, normal? Average? Is that awesome or what? And in the scope of our WLS world - YOU HAVE BEATEN THE ODDS! :)

[lg]

Athough I've enjoyed all your posts, the WLS ones have been the most important to me. I am having lapband surgery on 12/8 and have spent 2 weeks (since the surgery date was set) feeling like I will never eat again. I'm not bingeing on anything, but am still drinking my cokes and having ice cream. Even my dreams are food-filled. And the endless head dialogue about being good vs bad.

Why do you think you've been able to accept 180# rather than 165# Is it just a happier way to live? Is there a weight that you would not be satisfied with?

I have been surprised by the amount of food you seem able to eat. I'm assuming that you talk about food a lot, but perhaps your quantity isn't all that large. My impression was always that by-pass surgery usually meant that you couldn't eat sugar because of dumping syndrome. Has your husband considered WLS? Do you worry about his weight and diabetes?

You look terrific btw.

[Michele Helms]

I really enjoyed reading your blog! You look amazing!

[Michele Helms]

I really enjoyed reading your blog! You look amazing!

[Michele Helms]

I really enjoyed reading your blog! You look amazing!

[Rachael]

Thank you for posting this. You look incredible - just like a normal lady I'd see and maybe even be jealous of! I'm pushing 270 and have thought about gastric bypass, but I'm just not sure whether I'd even qualify and so many other things. But I've really appreciated your honest posts about your experience, so thank you for sharing!

[laura]

OMG i could not agree more with every single last word you said! and if one more person ask my "why didnt you have "lap band" i might go crazy on them.. awesome post, thank you and you look great !!!!!

[Alias Mother]

I am amazed at you and I think you've reached that happy place that so few American women ever reach. Do you know how many women I've known in my entire life who have a completely normal relationship with food? One. ONE. My college roommate, who would eat a salad for dinner because she felt like a salad and then a big bowl of ice cream because she felt like ice cream. And she never patted herself on the back for the salad or beat herself up for the ice cream. She ate what she wanted when she wanted it. And, yes, she was thin.

So it's not just obese people with this problem. I am on the thin side of average and I still have a messed up relationship with food that I need to work on every day. Somehow, we Americans have messed ourselves up some good on the food front. Congrats for working so hard (physically and mentally) to take yourself out of the endless loop.

[Shannon]

Amanda, great post. I've never been obese (though it runs in my family big-time), but my current diet is a lot like yours: I love, love, love junk food and candy and eat it every day, but also eat very healthy meals (I cook vegetarian, from-scratch meals for my family) and am a runner. In the end, I can eat a ton of junk and not worry about it one bit. I'm not as thin as I could be (or would be if I cut out the junk, I'm sure), but I, like you, LOVE being able to eat what I want; I'm not motivated to lose whatever few pounds I could lose if I restricted myself. I'm lucky in that I'm a thin person, and I do think that one of the reasons I am thin is that I don't diet, just like you said. I'm happy and content with my diet and my body.

Congrats on your wonderful life change and accomplishment!

[Kristy]

I think it's always an amazing thing when someone finds self acceptance and stops beating themselves up, etc. However, I wonder if you could have done these same things if you had had enough desire to just stop over-eating or if you had gone to therapy about why you were over-eating. I also wonder how healthy it is to eat as you do now. I know it may not affect your weight but what about your health?

Let me emphatically state, that I too enjoy these posts because you bare it all and that is a wonderful thing for everyone who is interested in surgery etc. However, it is a choice and many people choose not to forever modify their inner organs. Choices. We all make them.

I'm glad your choices are choices you are happy with. However, I wouldn't say that having surgery is hard work.

[Amanda]

lg - Try not to focus on what you WON'T be able to EAT and instead focus on the things you'll finally be able to DO (like shop in regular sized stores and fit in a movie theater seat without hurting your hips, etc). Not being able to eat everything you want is temporary and even though it's painful, you lose weight!

I realized that 165 was nice and all, but my life is not HAPPIER at that weight. My life is happier now because I don't have to think about food or restrict myself. It's a trade off. For me, peace of mind is worth a couple of stupid pants sizes. I've always said that staying under 200 is my life goal, but I have gained a few pounds here and there and quickly taken them back off again. My body seems to like 180.

My husband's story is his to tell, but he has gone down the road for surgery TWICE only to have our health insurance change at the last minute and to find that the surgery is no longer covered. It's definitely on the agenda eventually, though, because we worry that he'll either have gastric bypass surgery or HEART bypass surgery. It's just a matter of time/insurance.

Kristy - My health is actually excellent. I have a huge round of blood tests every year and so far, I've been within the normal ranges for everything. I don't exercise, but I'm very active so my heart is very healthy.

There is no possible way a person who weighs 309 pounds could just have "enough desire to just stop over-eating". No one has more desire to stop overeating than a morbidly obese person! I was so fat at 309 pounds that I was too large to wipe my own butt when I was in a regular-sized public bathroom stall. It's not an issue of desire. It's an issue of DISEASE. I strongly believe that obesity is GENETIC and people can't just "desire" away their CANCER can they? I don't think it's much different for the morbidly obese. It's not just a matter of eating less or dieting because those "choices" have a 95% failure rate. They just don't work, particularly not for people who need to lose more than 100 pounds. The way I see it, if I hadn't had the surgery and had opted for counseling instead, chances are I would be even heavier. Or dead.

Most people are born with a lovely little indicator in their brain that tells them when they are full and when to stop eating. I was born without one. I had to have corrective surgery to get one. It's really that simple.

[Mike]

What an awesome blog post. Keep it up and do not stop you lool great. For anyone else going through surgery always stay on top of your diet and your nutritional needs, one should never take that lightly. This is awesome. God speed.

[Christine]

I too am curious as to how you don't have the dumping syndrome associated with sweets and fats after gastric bypass.

I'm also confused by the commenter who said "OMG i could not agree more with every single last word you said! and if one more person ask my "why didnt you have "lap band" i might go crazy on them.."

[EmJay]

I really appreciate all of your gastric bypass posts. I am now 6 months post op. Could not agree more about the under 200 goal. I'm not there yet, but hope to be in the next few months. I had not set a final goal for myself. I knew it would be under 200. I still don't know what I will be happy with. Thanks for giving me something to think about. Actually I am pretty damn happy today at 220, but know that will change over time. :)

[lg]

This thread continues to give me lots to think about. I'm curious what others (who have had WLS) think about the comment about letting go of the weight crutch. It's a very interesting observation -- I agree both of the things that you've said although they seem to be contradictory--obesity is a disease and it is also a crutch. Psychologically there is something the weight--being afraid to both fail and to succeed.

Do you think most people who have had by-pass have the same freedom in their food choices that you do?

You have found a terrific balance--that the 165 was nice, but life was not necessarily better.

[Michelle]

Congrats to you!! You look amazing and I think it is awesome how much self confidence and love for your body you have.

[Melissa]

What a great post... total side note, did you see your Xanax post popped up on OMSH's brain bits today? :-)

[lydia]

You know, you are seriously an inspiration to me. You go for the gusto more than anyone i have ever encountered. You have your bad days or weeks or whatever, but dammit you just enjoy the HELL out of your life. I think about you a lot, when i am stuck in self pity or self hatred. I would look a lot like you do, at 180, though currently i am over 200. I honestly don't care about my size, but it does affect my fertility, so it does have to change. Thank you for sharing that with us here.